Sports News Creation

12:04 AM-ESPN2 breaks the news that Uno, the beagle who won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show, was seen with his manager speeding away from the scene of a shooting outside a Memphis area strip club.
12:15 AM-ESPN2 continues coverage, with ESPN and ESPN News using split screens.
1:00 AM-ESPN News reports that a warrant has been issued for the arrest of Uno.
1:30 AM-ESPN2 Sal Paolantonio reports that a spokesman for Uno issued a statement denying any involvement in the strip club incident and claims Uno has witnesses who'll corroborate that the beagle was nowhere in the area.
2:00 AM-ESPN News. Michael Kim airs footage of Uno sneaking away from the kennel of a female friend living in a suburb of Memphis. Consideration begins for possible ESPY nominations.
2:45 AM-All ESPN networks jointly air a press conference called by Uno's manager saying Uno has been in touch with animal control officials in Memphis and that 'at this time Uno is not considered a Hounddog of Interest'.
3:30 AM-ESPN News. Linda Cohn interviews an eyewitness to the strip club shooting who identifies one of the parties involved as a litter mate of Uno. Nominated for ESPY-Lightweight Fluff Reporting
4:15 AM-ESPN2. John Anderson reports that the home of Uno was raided by federal law enforcement officials investigating rumors that Uno's home was the base of an illegal bunny fighting ring. Nominated for Artificial Seriousness ESPY.
5:00 AM-ESPN. Steve Levy refers to the budding controversy as 'Doggie Gate'. Nominated for an ESPY-Best Catch Phrase.
5:02 AM-Management sends out memo to all ESPN staff to mention Doggie Gate as much as possible.
5:05 AM-ESPN copyrights and trademarks the phrase 'Doggie Gate' and begins selling beagle merchandise on its website. Nominated for a Shameless Huckstering ESPY.
6:30 AM-ESPN2. Skip Bayless blasts Uno's management team for not keeping the pooch on a tighter leash and rhetorically asks 'who is making the decisions in the Uno camp?'. Nominated for an ESPY-Most Hysterical Opinions category.
7:45 AM-ESPN2. Jay Crawford reveals on Cold Pizza that traces of Doggie Growth Hormone have been found in Uno's kibble. Nominated for a Lightweight Pretty Boy of the Year ESPY.
9:15 AM-ESPN Radio. Colin Cowherd reveals that Uno's first trainer died under mysterious circumstances after being beaten with a pooper scooper during what police officials described as having 'the appearance of an attempted mugging' while taking Uno for a walk in the park. Nominated for an ESPY-Best Use of Half Truths and Innuendo.
10:00 AM-ESPN. Dana Jacobsen unleashes a profanity filled tirade about Uno and recuses herself from any more reporting on 'Doggie Gate' when its revealed she has been passed over for an ESPY nomination during the continuing coverage.
10:30 AM-ESPN2. Rachel Nichols interview of Michael Vick. Vick issues a stern 'no comment' when asked about Doggie Gate. ESPY nomination in Shoddy Journalism category.
11:00 AM-ESPN News. Dana Jacobsen's impromptu press conference where she issues a tearful apology is covered live and earns her an ESPY nomination for Best CYA.
Noon-ESPN2. PETA issues statement condemning the rush to judgment about Uno's guilt. Beginning of protest campaign featuring nude supermodels with strategically placed puppies.
12:30 PM-ESPN News. On The Pulse Andy Katz reports that Uno's grade transcripts at Boston U. may have been doctored as reason Uno turned pro and never suited up for the Terriers. Katz adds that UConn is being investigated about recruiting violations by the Huskies athletic department concerning covering up the fact that the school may have paid for professional escorts for Uno during recruiting visits. Nominated for an ESPY-Naturally Curly Hair category
1:00 PM-ESPN. Live coverage of Congress issuing a subpoena to seize the embattled puppy's medical records includes Senator Kennedy photo op with a visibly agitated Lassie.
1:30 PM-ESPN2 Outside the Lines. Bob Ley interviews former personal trainer/fitness instructor answering only to 'Rex' who claims he personally supplied Uno with performance enhancing supplements. Nominated for ESPY-Unnecessarily Creating Controversy category.
2:00 PM-ESPN. On PTI Tony Kornheiser cleverly quips 'Uno has sure stepped in something this time'. Nominated for a Windbag of the Year ESPY.
2:30 PM-ESPN2 Woody Paige makes dumb joke about doggie style on Around the Horn. Nominated for an ESPY-Please Go Away Lifetime Achievement.
3:00 PM-ESPN News. ESPN expert Roger Cossack breaks down Uno's legal options on The Hot List. Nominated for an ESPY-Emptiest Opinion/Analysis.
3:30 PM-ESPN. Grainy footage of Uno biting a groomer during his rookie year is shown on First Take. Nominated for ESPY-Grassy Knoll category.
4:00 PM-ESPN and ESPN2 special hour long simulcast devoted exclusively to recap of days events concerning Doggie Gate with special analysis from Roger Cossack, Jaysen Stark, Dan LeBetard, Mike Lupica, the Dog Whisperer, Jennifer Love Hewitt, the Horse Whisperer, Dr. Drew Pinsky, Andrew Lesko, Stephen A. Smith with sidekick Raaaasho Nesterovic, and John Clayton. All are nominated for ESPYs except Rasho.
4:30 PM-ESPN News. Kirk Gimenez reports that recently unsealed court records confirm Uno fathered a pomeranian out of wedlock. Nominated for ESPY-Stop with the Phony Sounding Accent category.
5:00 PM-Management decides to carry over continued coverage of Doggie Gate on ESPN2, switching scheduled basketball triple-header featuring dream matchups Mavs-Spurs, Memphis-UCLA, and Pistons-Suns to ESPN 8-The Ocho. Management nominates itself for Executive of the Year ESPY.
6:00 PM-ESPN2 Stuart Scott recaps the first eighteen hours of coverage in hour-long live special. Nominated for an Incoherent Dialogue ESPY.
6:30 PM-ESPN Classic. Sklar brothers host 'Best of Doggie Gate Bloopers and Outtakes' with guests Penn and Teller.
7:00 PM-ESPN Classic Premieres 'Best of Uno Coverage Volume 1.' Nominated for an ESPY-Network Unrepentant Self-Aggrandizement category.
7:30 PM-All ESPN Networks air the highlights of Stuart Scott's recap from earlier in the evening...in High Definiton.
8:30 PM-ESPN News. Live coverage of press conference where a former girlfriend reveals plans to write a tell-all book about her year on the road with Uno.
8:45 PM-ESPN2 Uno's manager issues statement: She's a lying golddigging bi**h.
9:00 PM-ESPN management reveals plan to give the entire network team one big a**ed ESPY because 'our coverage is just dominating too darned many categories'.
9:30 PM-ESPN Classic 5 Reasons You Can't Blame Uno Special Report debuts. Nominated for an ESPY-No One Ever Is To Blame (thank you Howard Jones) category.
10:00 PM-All ESPN Networks air live coverage of press conference where Uno barks his retirement, rather than face the possibility of a Congressional inquisition, sorry investigation, into his personal life. A near riot ensues when one of Uno's Rottweiler bodyguards attacks Jay Mariotti after being scolded for taking a leak on Mariotti's IPOD.
10:45 PM-ESPN A hastily assembled all-star cast of characters including Mitch Albom, J.A. Adande, Steve Phillips, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, Keith Olbermannnnn, Skip Bayless again, Larry Holmes, Priest Holmes, Santonio Holmes, Hannity & Colmes, Mrs. Tom Cruise (gotcha), Jonny Gomes, former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, and the Schwab are brought together to discuss whether the nonstop media circus had anything to do with the surprise retirement of the controversial beagle. No mirrors are allowed on the set to prevent any individual soul searching of their own personal style of coverage-not that anyone at ESPN can really look themselves in the face anyway. No one is nominated for an ESPY. The network finally ran out.
11:30 PM-All ESPN Networks begin airing advertisements for 'Best of Doggie Gate on DVD', a 15 disc collection of interviews and clips, with live narration by James Earl Jones and bonus commentaries from Chris Berman, Dan Patrick, Jason Smith, Mike&Mike, John Kruk, Barry Melrose, Carl Lewis, Dickie V., Lee Corso, Chuck Norris and Christie Brinkley. Also available on the website specially priced for ESPN Nation members. Supplies are limited. Order Now!