The Eyes Have It

Back when I was sixteen I took a stick across the face. Most of the cranial damage was done around the left eye, visual damage to the right. Not so much an accident, but yet still accidental contact. A teammate took a shot at leveling a guy on the other team and caught me flush instead. It didn't drop me, but help was needed to guide me off. There was blood everywhere.



When I got to the hospital I was pretty well wound and bound up. I don't know for sure really how many days I was in darkness because they all ran together. Massive swelling had to subside so basically we all made due. Powerless doesn't quite cover the feeling, but for the most part help wasn't far away if I could grope around patiently enough to find the buzzer to the nurse's station.



When the initial prognosis came it was believed the bones around the left eye would heal, but there were questions about the vision in both eyes. The prediction was that enough damage was done that I'd soon need glasses. I first got them right after I turned 17. As the years rolled by the prescriptions got more frequent and the lenses thicker.



Its been five years ago since things really took an unusual turn. I contracted a virus/infection that still has some of the best eye doctors in the region baffled. Its brutal to hear 'we've tested and tried everything and we just don't know'. I can still remember the song that was playing on Muzak when the doctor was telling me my sight would be leaving me. Al Stewart-Time Passages. The lyric 'you reach out your hand but you're all alone' flashed me back to the hospital years and years before. Funny how timing works out that way eh? I drove around for hours listening to that song over and over and pondering the variables to come.



All the tests, eye drops, injections, even steroids of all things, have made no difference other than slowing down the loss of vision a little. Its odd how I can almost feel the virus working inside my right eye, taking away what it will this time and then subsiding to let me adjust once again. The drops and medicines ease the discomfort some, but only do so much. Its a continuing struggle that has changed life in every sense. I've had to switch careers twice, and the ongoing tests and ensuing payments have pretty well crushed me financially. Those are minor issues though. Saving what could be saved of my sight seemed worth it. If I'd known it was a lesson in futility maybe I'd have done things differently. Water under the bridge now.



The only places I've ever really felt completely comfortable, at home, have been on the ice, the field, the court. I was pretty slow for footspeed, but I was one of the best at not only reading the play, but the player. Seeing, and seeing inside, knowing what he was going to do just by the look in his eyes. It was all so easy, so apparent. I was in my element. If only things were so simple in the outside world. I often wonder what life will hold down the road. How will I see people and read people when I can't see people to read people anymore?



Whatever comes it'll be my bear to cross. Fear has long since left me. Spending a few days in complete darkness years ago will do that maybe. Hello Darkness my old Friend. The last couple months have been a particularly rough struggle as I feel it starting to work on me again. No pity, no sympathy, no any-of-that-stuff is wanted here. The old saying 'It is what it is' comes to mind. I've likely been pretty difficult to tolerate lately so to my friends I say thank you for being patient. Its appreciated more than any of you can know.



Time Passages-Al Stewart


It was late in December
The sky turned to snow
All round the day was going down slow
Night like a river beginning to flow
I felt the beat of my mind
Go drifting into time passages
Years go falling in the fading light
Time passages
Buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight

Well, I'm not the kind to live in the past
The years run too short and the days too fast
The things you lean on
Are the things that don't last
Well, it's just now
And then my line gets cast into these
Time passages
There's something back here that you left behind
Oh, time passages
Buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight

Hear the echoes and feel yourself starting to turn
Don't know why you should feel
That there's something to learn
It's just a game that you play

Well, the picture is changing
Now you're part of a crowd
They're laughing at something
And the music's loud
A gal comes towards you
You once used to know
You reach out your hand
But you're all alone
In these time passages
I know you're in there
You're just out of sight
Oh, time passages
Buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5T6huwqw98