Life In The Slow Lane 6/9/09

The Rams have expressed interest in signing Michael Vick. Team sources say Vick would add a locker room and on-field presence that hasn't been felt in St. Louis since the Lawrence Phillips years.

Kurt Busch chimed in recently about Dale Earnhardt Jr. changing crew chiefs-firing his own cousin. Can we still call him Little D if Danica Patrick jumps racing leagues? Or will Danica steal Juniors' title as the Paris Hilton of Nascar?

Carlos Zambrano recorded his 100th career win recently. He celebrated by beating the snot out of Michael Barrett, destroying the clubhouse buffet table, and then going home to watch the remake of his semi-autobiographical movie Psycho.

Moments after LeBron James skipped the mandatory after-game press conference James was seen outside an Orlando area Circle K being dragged to the team bus by Coach Mike Brown, who was overheard saying 'You just wait until we get home. If you're going to act this way after your heavily favored team gets bounced in the conference finals am I ever going to be able to take you grocery shopping in peace?'.

Congrats to Roger Federer on winning the French Open. Matching Pete Sampras' record fourteen Grand Slam titles is an impressive feat in itself, and Federer will likely add a couple more Slams to his credit, but by no means does it make him the default 'greatest tennis player of all time'. Modern day athletes like Federer should consider it a slap in the face when media hypesters fall back on small-minded cliches instead of creating an historical context for a true perspective of their standing among the all-time greats.

Its time for the word 'warrior' to take its exit from sports terminology. Nowhere in any dictionary is warrior defined as a spoiled, overpaid, self-absorbed professional athlete. Until such time as we see Chipper Jones or Jameer Nelson or Gus Frerotte manning a listening post in 130 degree heat, or every single American fighting man and woman is re-upped at 3 years/$10 million, we do our military personnel a disservice by using the word 'warrior' to describe someone dribbling a ball or throwing a pass or fielding a grounder. Food for thought:
NHL league minimum-$475,000 (2008-09 season)
NBA league minimum-$457,588 (2009-10 season, 0 years in league)
MLB league minimum-$400,000 (2009 season)
NFL league minimum-$295,000 (2008-09 season)
Salary of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi-$223,500
Average member of Congress-$174,000
Salary of US Armed Forces enlisted E-1 (4+ months service)-$16,800
Anyone else see a disproportionate bang-for-our-buck?

What exactly is a 'hater'?

The Vikings have imposed an end-of-the-week deadline for Brett al-Favre to decide whether he'll establish a Scumbaggian homeland in Minnesota from which to continue his jihad against the Land of the Cheeseheads. Our only remaining hope for a Favre-free NFL is if the Israelis fire a couple of warning shots over Edina or Brooklyn Park.

The NBA, MLB, and NHL. Three professional sports leagues with borderline shaky, if not completely inept, leadership. Consider.....David Stern+ hairpiece=Bud Selig. Stern+hairpiece-glasses=Gary Bettman. Ever see these guys together in the same room? I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

My late Uncle Bud used to say 'if the barn is burning its not the time to paint the fence. Every time the NCAA resurrects its half-baked plan to force member schools to change 'offensive' nicknames Buds' words come back to mind. Four of the five poorest counties in the United States (Buffalo #1, Shannon-2, Ziebach-4, and Todd-5) are in South Dakota. Another county, Corson, is 7th, and yet another, Dewey, comes in at number 11. Quite the claim to fame eh? The common thread among these six counties is that they completely or nearly completely lie on Indian reservations. What's my point? I wonder if changing those nicknames at far-off colleges will remedy the living conditions in these areas?
There is plenty of anecdotal and statistical data to go on for hours about this but suffice it to say the NCAA has stumbled into the cultural trap that permeates America: Its not whether we actually care, as long as we give the appearance of caring.

Thanks for reading.