With Hat in Hand 8/29/09

And in the spirit of prevailing forgiveness, I've come to plead my case. I hold no remorse because there was no morse in the first place. I ask only for consideration. I'll let the facts speak for themselves and leave the verdict to all of you.


Michael Vick: Left handed
Me: Left handed

Vick: 6-0 215
Me: 6-1 225

Vick: 29 years old
Me: Old enough to know a sycophant and an enabler when I see one.

Vick: Hasn't played professional football in 23 months
Me: Hasn't played serious football in 23 years

Vick: Used pseudonym Ron Mexico
Me: Know a guy named Ron, never been to Mexico but like Hispanic food.

Vick: Financed and ran interstate dog fighting operation. Did time in prison.
Me: Punched off-duty deputy sheriff, broke sheriff's nose with elbow in same incident. Charges dropped.

Vick: Presently counseled by Tony Dungy
Me: Previously verbally abused by Mom's brother Tony

Vick: Once electrocuted dog for having poor fighting skills
Me: Once took a leak on electric fence for a case of beer

Vick: Rumored to have been detained in Miami airport for questionable smelling water bottle
Me: Actually detailed in Minneapolis airport while TSA agents figured out my knee brace was in fact a knee brace and my crutches weren't loaded

Vick: Known for speed in outrunning opposing defenses
Me: Known for killing grizzly with bare hands while on my way home from school, uphill both ways

Vick: Has friends who sold him out for lighter prison sentences
Me: Has friends who can almost form complete sentences

Vick: 53% completions
Me: Was figuring for about 57+ pct. but willing to underachieve if necessary

Vick: Gave herpes to sexual partner (settled civil suit)
Me: Gave her pez dispenser to third grade classmate (lost on playground)

Vick: Article in GQ
Me: Has an IQ

Vick: Incarcerated in Kansas
Me: Incorporated in Wyoming

Vick: One year $1.6 million with option
Me: Will play for food and 1.1 million

So you see, despite a slight age difference my body of work holds up very favorably in my humble opinion. It is in your hands to decide if I play again. I throw myself on the mercy of this jury of my peers whether I've positively stated my case. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Murph