The House of Murph

Post Super Bowl Reflections

2011-02-20T13:03:00.000-07:00

Some things to consider about the parody of parity that is the NFL. Any team can beat any team any given week eh? Until the playoffs anyway. Seven teams have 29 Super Bowl wins among them; if you add in the Colts , Dolphins , and Broncos it means ten teams have won 35 of the 45 Super Bowls. The twenty have-nots share ten wins. Whats my point? Something smells in football, whether its the BS of college or the NFL needing marketable QBs with a Lombardi on their resume.

A quick political aside: If Julian Assange was really about all high minded ideals like complete openness he'd have already hacked into his own legal issues and shown us the evidence or lack of concerning the rape allegations against him. Hypocrite.

Where are all the good Amish professional athletes?

The NFL doesn't see fit to save a tape of the first Super Bowl but when footage of the entire game is found in an attic in Pennsylvania league officials immediately jump in and claim ownership for purely righteous and unselfish reasons. Considering a thirty second ad during the Super Bowl is running a cool $3 million that would seem a fair finders fee to the folks who have held on to the tapes the last FORTY FIVE YEARS . If nothing else lets call it an idiots tax for the NFL to wake up and focus on the legacy of the game instead of marketing marketing marketing.

Funny to hear Mario Lemieux crying about another team employing dirty play. Pot, meet kettle. If Matt Cooke isn't enough of an everyday reminder that the Pens aren't above employing chippy, remember the name Ulf Samuelsson ? For that matter, you weren't exactly the paragon of Mike Bossy-type play either Mary. Oops, Mario.

Its difficult to support either side in a battle of billionaires vs. millionaires, but considering that we rarely hear of former professional sports team owners suffering from post-concussion disorders or needing multiple replacement surgeries etc. siding with the players becomes much easier.

Really like how Blake Griffin plays, really don't care for or watch the NBA hardly at all, had no idea they still did the dunk contest. Haven't all the good dunks been done before?

Gotta love the marketing geniuses at NFL.COM. Offering a playoff fantasy game is great right up to the final big game.....and there is no longer a link on the website to find how your team is doing. With the money they're saving on a low-rent commissioner there should be plenty of cash left to support more than a half-assed attempt at a decent fan friendly site.

Speaking of, the esteemed commissioners Goodell and Stern will work cheap if their leagues sustain a work stoppage. Gee guys, thats big of you. It doesn't sound like a cheap PR stunt either. Credit where its due, the two of you almost deserve congratulations for making Gary Bettman and Bud Selig look borderline competent. Almost.

Condolences to the family and friends of Dave Duerson

Probert

2010-07-06T10:59:00.002-06:00

Bob Probert, dead at 45. The headline was a shock. Tough guys aren't supposed to die, let alone one considered the toughest of the tough of his era. He played hard and he fought even harder. Let's remember him for the intensity he brought to the ice, and if we must rehash his problems away from the rink lets use them as an opportunity to learn from his mistakes.

Bob Probert had his demons, as we all do. As intense as my dislike is for the Red Wings, he always had my respect. He's a hockey player, he's human, and a damned tough man. That's how I'll remember him.

RIP #24. You're always a true tough guy. Condolences to your family, friends, and the Wings organization (Yes, I know he played elsewhere, but he'll always be a Red Wing in my eyes).

Dirty Ovechkins

2010-03-18T20:34:00.000-06:00

What is it about people and society that makes us reflexively think more rules and regulations and laws are an improvement? Hockey has an opportunity to break from the other major sports by NOT legislating more crap rules. The NFL is a shining example of over-legislation. Its ham-handed attempts at 'protecting' the players have piled rule upon rule upon rule to the point of creating confusion and subsequently frustration over what is and isn't dirty. To paraphrase a Supreme Court justice from years ago 'dirty might be hard to define, but we know it when we see it'. So what's the problem with identifying and weeding out dirty players?

The biggest problem with defining what is a dirty play and, to a larger extent a dirty player, is the incredible amount of excuses that come into play after the fact. A player who commits a dirty play, whether an isolated incident or in the case of Alexander Ovechkin on a continued and consistent basis, isn't identified by geography or uniform color. The team he played for last season may not be the team he's on this time around, but the dirty player underneath is the same. Its the excusing of dirty play that needs to stop.

Over and over its said that today's athletes are 'bigger, stronger, faster' than ever before and yet somehow today's athletes have less bodily control than ever before too. How can this be? Maybe it comes down to some misplaced priorities and lack of respect for the game. As the games are played today more emphasis is put into making a crippling hit and maybe, just maybe, get a quick mention on Sportscenter. Good fundamentals and actually helping the team win be damned. Egos have inflated bigger than the sport that made the ego possible in the first place. Today's games are all about 'Look at me'.

Deflating player egos has to start in the commissioners offices. The marketing gurus and toothless disciplinarians in the league hierarchies honestly don't seem to realize that they're killing the golden goose by turning off the fans who only want to see good clean honest games. So, how does hockey turn itself away from the selfish and egotistical type of athlete that has ruined the other Big Four sports and is slowly infecting the NHL? It won't be easy.

Teaching kids how to play solid fundamental hockey while still having fun wouldn't seem to be terribly complicated, but outside forces continually corrupt the process. Whether its overbearing parents with delusions of grandeur or the cesspool of sports coverage known as ESPiN instilling a sense of sportsmanship and fair play is an upstream swim against a tidal wave. Overcoming a generation of 'me first' athletes, thirty years of mind-numbing Bermanites, and a healthy dose of Baylessness is a heavy challenge but if we truly care about the future of hockey its a challenge worth accepting.

Teaching love and respect for the game and a sense of sportsmanship and fair play will correct many of the problems in the NHL-years down the road. Of course, dropping the instigator rule would be a simple and effective short term fix in the meantime.

Surprises?

2010-02-24T09:37:00.001-07:00

The party of no needs to hold to that role since the party of yes created this mess.

What's with the hysteria about the voting of Scott Brown? He said he wasn't going to be a rubber stamp Republican.

Seeing the Ovechkin hit on Jagr suddenly a lot makes sense about the rise in concussions. It used to be we lowered our shoulders and left them low through the hit. Now its lower the shoulder and finish while raising it through the hit. Elbows and shoulders are at face level when the force of the impact is at its peak.

The IOC distributes 100,000 condoms to the athletes in the Olympic Village but people get all congested about an inappropriate kiss of a strategically placed medal?

Republicans are puffing up about likely November wins, and ignoring the fact that they're already ignoring and/or foresaking the very folks who're going to make those victories happen.

Barack Obama said he'd rather be a one-termer who got things done than be thought ineffective for two. His health care debacle won't go away until his politburo cronies do.

Tony Kornheiser gave a less-than-flattering critique of the wardrobe choices of Hannah Storm and ESPN suspended him for it. Sports mirrors society: Only opinions approved by the appropriate network and sanctioning league/association/governing body will be deemed acceptable from now on.

The lukewarm ways of the current crop of DC Republicans highlights why the radicals who're ruining the country are so afraid of Richard Cheney. He reacts strongly to their unworkable programs and unreasonable theories, but also acts with a preemptive strength.

The Weight

2010-02-17T10:31:00.001-07:00

Democrats have the numbers, the power, all of it. Yet they don't have the confidence to stand behind their policies and decisions. They see the Republicans budget overruns during the Bush years and instinctively one-, two-, and three-up them. It makes no sense. Unless figuring in the self-loathing, insecurity, and personal feelings of inadequacy in the average everyday run-of-the-mill DC Democrat. How else to explain getting so little done with a 60-40 Senate advantage and a 257-178 House advantage? Not having a Republican or McCain on board to shoulder the eventual blame sure changes the game.

Has the concept of the executive order been cheapened by the sheer volume of them over the last year? I guess in a monarchy it is the privilege of the king to issue edicts at his whim. Eventually even the most disinterested serfs notice though.

Darned shame to see Captain America being used for propaganda purposes from either direction. Oh well, at least Thor still holds to an ideal. As long as we're on the subject, every time I hear yet another Obama speech a scene from the third X-Men movie flashes through my mind. You know the one, Magneto wrapped in a blanket after losing his powers saying 'Good Lord, what have I done?'. Picturing John McCain or any of the so-called Blue Dogs playing the part seems appropriate.

North Korea and now Iran have nuke capabilities. Guess 'the axis of evil' wasn't quite so farfetched. Considering how cozily the Clinton and Obama administrations have treated these two countries I sincerely hope Albright and Hillary didn't fall for the old 'pull my finger' joke too.

I met Byron Dorgan very briefly years back, around the time he'd have been reelected to a second Senate term. After the events of the last few days I have to admit that my previous perceptions of Dorgan were completely wrong. None of us can ever know what happened between then and now but years back I'd not have considered describing him as just another gutless hack politician. That he finally showed his lack of integrity by choosing party over state shouldn't have been a surprise I suppose. Every prostitute comes with a price tag. Like any good member of the Politburo Dorgan just proved to have a decimal point further to the right. Pathetic.

Its becoming painfully obvious that Albert Gore is full of methane.

Dennis Miller and Bruce Jacobs are the funniest guys there are on talk radio.

Phrases that need to retire: 'the fact of the matter...', 'saved and created', 'partisanship', 'bipartisanship', 'demonize', 'stimulus', 'porkulus', or anything else ending in '-ulus'.

Since the average American is finally figuring out something is badly wrong in the DC welfare state known as Congress, how about some fresh guidelines for a new brand of candidate? A bachelors degree from a state college, never held office higher than city board of supervisors-and no longer than five years, isn't a lawyer and has never worked in the legal field in any way, owns and manages his own business, and finally doesn't talk a lot...so when he does people listen. Sound like a nice change of pace?

Patrice Cormier

2010-01-29T05:12:00.000-07:00

The elbows of Gordie Howe are part of his legend. A player doesn't get the nickname 'Mr. Elbows' for no reason. Elbows have been part of the game forever, and so have elbowing penalties. These things aside there is no excuse for the couple of elbows thrown by Patrice Cormier over the last month.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzhF2viguGs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hzeOhL8_9g&feature=related

Preaching about respect for the opponent and the game has all been said before here. Simply put, the lax leadership of the various commissioners, presidents, and rule enforcement officials has created any anything-goes atmosphere catering to the lowest common denominator of fan-all in the name of the almighty dollar. Couple that with a toothless sanction/suspension system and you get a defenceman from the Quebec Remparts convulsing face down at center ice. 'Suspended indefinitely' sounds pretty on paper.

If the leagues were serious about stopping crap hits like the ones in the video clips above, there'd be a blanket suspension across all leagues: If you want to play this way, be prepared to be suspended for as long as the injured player is out plus one season. No exceptions, no appeals. Of course, dropping the instigator rule is such a logical option to help along the process of discouraging this type of play as not to be given even remote consideration.

Excuses abound, but no matter how good a kid Cormier is said to be, or how popular he is with his teammates, its all simply a poor attempt to excuse and justify bad behavior, so go ahead and make all the allowances that have been tried before. None of it is going to get the Tam kid out of a hospital bed any faster, or for that matter make it clear whether he'll ever pay again.

Patrice Cormier has received a preliminary suspension and may even be disciplined further. Its a shame that the hockey establishment can't be sanctioned for the soft discipline program in place that has allowed cheapshot hockey to flourish.

Thanks for reading.

DC Unemployment Rate (Last update 1/22/11)

2010-01-26T14:59:00.013-07:00

Now that the government has inserted itself into the regulation of salaries of the upper managements of private businesses, is it time for a citizens group to be formed to regulate the salaries of government workers and, especially, members of congress?

In the same vein, now that the country is waking up to the high hack content in the US Politburo, hopefully the next election will bring to our 'leadership' the same ten percent unemployment that the government has inflicted on the country.

Think about that for a few minutes. In your opinion which fifty-three in congress should find themselves in the unemployment line? Here are mine (in no particular order):

1. John McCain (AZ) 2. Nancy Pelosi (CA)

3. Barney Frank (MA) 4. Lindsey Graham (SC)

5. Harry Reid (NV) 6. Joe Manchin (WV)

7. Dick Durbin (IL) 8. Lisa Murkowski (AK)

9. Maurice Hinchey (NY) 10. Diane Feinstein (CA)

11. Barbara Boxer (CA) 12. Richard Blumenthal (CN)

13. John Conyers Jr. (MI) 14. Charles Rangel (NY)

15. Jim McDermott (WA) 16. Mary Landrieu (LA)

17. Rob Andrews (NJ) 18. Charles Schumer (NY)

19. Patrick 'The Leak' Leahy (VT) 20. Ben Nelson (NE)

21. Steny Hoyer (MD) 22. Alcee Hastings (FL)

23. Henry Waxman (CA) 24. John Lewis (GA)

25. Ed Markey (MA) 26. John Dingell (MI)

27. Steve Cohen (TN) 28. Max Baucus (MT)

29. John Sarbanes (MD) 30. Patty Murray (WA)

31. Tom Harkin (IA) 32. Jerrold Nadler (NY)

33. Maxine Waters (CA) 34. Carl Levin (MI)

35. Jane Harman (CA) 36. Dan Boren (OK)

37. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (FL) 38. Bill Nelson (FL)

39. Bob Menendez (NJ) 40. Tim Johnson (SD)

41. Fortnoy 'Pete' Stark (CA) 42. Sherrod Brown (OH)

43. Sheila Jackson Lee (TX) 44. Chris Van Hollen (MD)

45. Stephen Lynch (MA) 46. Sheldon Whitehouse (RI)

47. Debbie Stabenow (MI) 48. Sander Levin (MI)

49. Nikki Tsongas (MA) 50. Al Franken (MN)

51. Kirsten Gillibrand (NY) 52. Ron Wyden (OR)

53.

It is truly a shame that there's never a shortage of morons for this list. It'd be nice to see the rate drop to about 4-5% like it was most of the start of this century. Anyway, here is the short bus list of turds who've been shown the door and dropped from the list (in a very not-soon-enough fashion):

Kent Conrad (ND)
Alan Greyson (FL)
Russ Feingold (WI)
Earl Pomeroy (ND)
Arlen Specter (PA)
Bart Stupak (MI)
Christopher Dodd (CT)
Byron Dorgan (ND)
John Murtha (PA)
Patrick Kennedy (RI)
Anthony Weiner (NY)

.....And the latest Politburo spending extravaganza contains a two percent pay increase for government employees. Guess the belt tightening only applies to the serfs. Increased hope for the bureaucrats, not even pocket change for the rest of us. There's your hope and change folks.

Thanks for reading.

Transparency Apparency

2010-01-26T14:58:00.001-07:00

The word transparency has gotten used, overused, and misused since even before the last presidential election cycle, back to 2006 and the broken promises to the American people providing congressional 'honesty' and 'ethics' and 'open debate' and 'bipartisanship'. Just like Lucy holding the football out there, we fell for it. Twice. We buried our heads in the sand, knowing that what we were hearing wasn't matching up with what we were seeing. But what if it was?

What if we've been seeing transparency the whole time? Could it be that the new above board out-in-the-open way of doing business we were promised during the last two election cycles have been completely on display the whole time? Think about it. It didn't take Speaker of the Politburo Pelosi longer than it took to dial the numbers to redecorate the office that came with her new job title. Ayatollah Reid and the Democrat Party have been pretty consistent with the in-your-face style of being in control, even moreso after Al Franken was seated as #60.

Once the pressure was off transparency grew easy. Why should any of us have been surprised that the corruption was finally out in plain sight? It's been hiding in plain sight for decades. How else could John Murtha have been allowed to stay in DC for thirty years? The people of his Pennsylvania district must figure its safer to send him far enough away for the local banks to be considered safe from looting. Murtha is the poster child, but by no means the only tainted one. Being an honest member of congress is the exception rather than the rule.

Listen to the President talking about health care negotiations....on C-Span. It sounds like he pulled that out of the air just for something to say, as if he's been at a loss for words at any time during this first year. He almost sounds as though he's channeling the Jon Lovitz character Tommy Flanagan as he searches for any words that may convince the American people to continue riding the Pelosi-Reid-Obama train wreck. As if that's not bad enough, the smirky Pelosi brushed aside the C-Span suggestion as 'just one of those campaign trail promises'. How does this women continue to get reelected? Oh yeah, California. If there's any more shining example of why that state is broke, ladies and gentlemen meet Nancy Pelosi: 'We're broke? Well then print some more money and order ten more Gulfstreams.'

Point being listen to what they say and watch the accompanying actions. The current administration and politburo allies have been consistently transparent. The corrupt practices have been going on right under our noses in a completely transparent fashion while we were distracted focusing on their words.

Hanging My Hat 1/19/10

2010-01-19T03:42:00.003-07:00

2009 was a tough year to be a St. Louis Cardinals fan. Not so much from their record, since they won the division, but a couple small events that most have likely forgotten. Couple those things with off-season doings and the hat gets hung behind the door.

Lets skip back a few months. Watching Stan Musial at the All Star Game being treated like a piece of cardboard left out in the rain was pretty brutal. When asked for an opinion on the Manny Ramirez sex change debacle Albert Pujols offers up a non-answer worthy of Mark McGwire's congressional testimony. Enough together to raise the hairs on the back of my neck but still a drop of benefit of the doubt remained. However.

The return of Mark McGwire as hitting coach appears to be drawing rave reviews from the rest of the Cardinals faithful. Couple that with the soft comments of Pujols concerning McGwire's steroid use and what is left of my benefit of the doubt hit the ground running-right out the door. At what point do Cardinals fans start wondering if maybe something smells a little funny? You know, like tainted HGH must smell.

Okay, you're right, everyone does deserve a second chance. McGwire did finally come clean (no pun intended) but it has to seem pretty self-serving even to the most hardcore Cardinals fan. If he'd said years back 'yes, I took them while rehabbing some injuries' I'd be standing behind him...but he didn't. He stonewalled, changed the subject, left the room, did anything he could to avoid answering the question. Now that an opportunity to get back on the MLB money train has come his way he's gotten teary-eyed and remorseful. Nah, not buying it.

Does the return of Mark McGwire make me less of a baseball fan? That process had already begun as the players grew bigger while the ballparks became smaller. Even Freddie Patek would be a thirty-homer guy in the Safeway parking lot sized stadiums in use today. The McGwire comeback doesn't help though. Steroids have created an image problem for Major League Baseball that has grown as large and nearly as fast as some of the players. Ignoring it obviously hasn't worked. Acknowledging the problem and taking even baby steps to fix it would be a start toward bringing jaded fans like me back.

The few players who've expressed concerns about the MLB image give hope even considering the weak-kneed leadership of Commissioner Bud. Unfortunately, Selig, the greenback-driven owners, and the cavalier attitudes of guys like Albert Pujols will keep that Cardinals hat hanging behind the door.

One last thought: Whether you believe the Vikings were running up the score or not with that late touchdown pass against the Cowboys, considering the shot Kurt Warner took the day before what the heck was Brad Childress thinking even having Brett Favre in the game up 24 with two minutes to go?

Thanks for reading.

Giving The NFL a B(C)S Makeover 1/7/09

2010-01-12T22:07:00.000-07:00

BCS Executive Director Bill Hancock: You guys had a great season…yea, their undefeated, but right now what are there..six of them are undefeated, so not everybody can play…..and…..uh…

With that thought in mind, and in the truest spirit of competition and fair play that can only come from an upstanding organization like the Bowl Championship Series, the unilateral decision has been made to adapt the BCS philosophy to pro football. Sooooo, bend over and accept that a bunch of guys sitting around an NCAA sanctioned dorm somewhere in North America has decided who will play in the 2010 Super Bowl. Bend over and accept it, just as you have this bogus college football 'championship'. Without further ado or adont, the teams who will compete for the Vince Lombardi trophy this season are................

Baltimore Ravens vs New Orleans Saints

Why? Because the BCS is all-knowing and all-powerful and says so. Don't like those choices? Swallow hard, hang your head and accept it, just like Boise State, TCU, Cincinnati, and all the other teams worthy of playing in a playoff system had to. Money talks, big money talks loudest, and BCS officials have an ear for the sound of briefcases being stuffed full of small unmarked bills.

What a joke.

Resolutions 1/5/09

2010-01-12T22:04:00.000-07:00

2010 Resolutions for America:

1) Suspend federal education funding until an independent accounting is made. The money is going somewhere and wherever that is it isn't working.

2) Shut down law schools for at least ten years. If you want to be a lawyer you'll have to go elsewhere to study and practice.

3) Drop federal and congressional salaries back to the average median salary of the rest of the country. Sacrifice is only called sacrifice when its everyone sacrificing-Pelosi Politburo included.

4) No more federal funding to countries with terrorist ties, direct or indirect. Period. In the same vein, American companies caught doing business with terrorist-friendly countries will pay a fine double the amount of their best gross-profit fiscal year from among the last twenty.

5) The phrase 'terrorist ties' is redefined to mean 'anyone who has ever carried out, attempted, or spoken out about attempting a terrorist act and has EVER set foot in your country'. If this has happened the US cash cart doesn't stop on your street. No exceptions..

6) Tighten border and airport security. Since blue-eyed Swedish supermodels and 80 year old grandmothers seem not to be terrorist threats the focus in that direction can be redeployed. Numbers 2&5 will help with the implementation of this process.

7) States become responsible for their own fiscal policies, programs, budget shortfalls, and failures. No more federal bucks. If your state wants all of the cool hip bell-and-whistle programs your state legislature figures out on its own how to pay for them. Again, no exceptions.

8) Consolidate all of these government 'lists' into one master list that keeps bomb-carrying terrorist cowards off airplanes.

9) Suspend government hiring from those schools who've contributed the 'best and brightest'. Our government is polluted with people who have all the pretty theoretical stuff down pat but fail miserably in the common sense practical applications department.

10. The election year turnover has to at least match the highest state unemployment rate in the country. If it doesn't, forced retirement of the longest-serving members until percentage is reached.

Wonderings and Curiosities 12/9/09

2010-01-12T22:01:00.001-07:00

Just some more thoughts floating around my mind.

For eight long years....The previous administration.....George Bush did/didn't....George Bush is/isn't....Bush/Cheney....Its now impossible not to hear these words (and what usually follows) without a rolling of the eyes. None of what happened during the Bush years is sound justification for the crap being inflicted on the country and its future.

Why is it that voters who didn't fall in kneejerk fashion for the weak 2008 Republican offering are held to a greater amount of blame than those who voted for the weak 2008 Democrat candidate? What the national leaderships of both major parties and their media lapdogs don't seem to understand is the simplest of principles: Run a strong candidate of character and the voters will come.

In the same vein. why is it a reflex reaction to assume that those of us who live outside of the Beltway or far away from either coast are automatically assumed to be too daft to understand 'politics'? Knowing right from wrong doesn't take any Ivy League education, only common sense.

When did this country switch to looking at everything through a legal prism vs. the traditional right/wrong method? Over the last few months we've seen in full high-def clarity they aren't even close to the same thing-as if it weren't completely obvious before that if we'd have been paying attention in the first place. Turn off the reality TV and start participating in the reality beyond the remote control.

The quickest way to turn the country around? Start with 'number one'. Instead of going into personal attack mode at the first hint of criticism look in the mirror. There is a difference between constructive and destructive criticism. Americans have simply lost the ability to know the difference.

Can anyone identify the exact date when reporters stopped reporting?

If there's really anything to take from Max Baucus showing the world he's just another run-of-the-mill D.C. hack for nominating his girlfriend for a government position, no pun intended, its just how completely incestuous the US Politburo has become.

A new opinion of 'Global warming' in Hurricane Algore's own words: He lied to us. He played on our fears. (Make sure you're screaming them)

Republican pundits and talking heads yap loudly about having a tent big enough for 'diverse opinions'. However, nothing is more of a turnoff than being an independent with views closer to libertarian than republican. Hearing highbrow scorn from folks who don't tend to land anywhere in between when traveling from one coast to the other tells me vote really isn't valued at all.

Would it now be an easier accounting for women who haven't slept with Tiger Woods to come forward? I've lost count.

Thanks for reading.

Untitled 11/23/09

2010-01-12T21:58:00.000-07:00

Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder? Sounds like just another lame excuse for not getting out of bed in the morning.

As long as we're creating new excuses like Pre-TSD, consider Political Prisoner Inadequacy Syndrome. Trauma will be widespread when average Americans are jailed for failure to purchase health insurance. Will we truly be jailed just for that? Will Amnesty International and the ACLU plead our cases if/when this silliness becomes law? Will Nelson Mandela or the family of Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn point at us and laugh?

Not that I distrust the Illinois Connection but who in that state is going to be profiting from the prison for terrorists that's likely going to operate there?

On the same line, its time for the country-clubbing president to have his frequent flyer miles revoked and get his butt back behind that big desk.

Senator Mary Landrieu. A few hundred million dollars. In DC and Louisiana what she did might be called 'politics'. In the real world there's a different 'P' word for it.

As long as we're seemingly in the mood to soak the 'rich', and in the spirit of fairness, how about a tax schedule that more accurately reflects the attitude of the country toward our elected 'leadership' in DC? The 'rich' who make exactly 174,000 dollars a year are taxed at an 85% rate, the 'rich' who make 193,4000 at 90%, and anyone making 223,500 feels the pinch of a 95% rate. Maybe then our esteemed Politburo, uh, sorry, Congress, would start feeling the frustrations that average Americans feel.

Many Blood Sucking Parasites 11/10/09

2010-01-12T21:56:00.001-07:00

Decent speech by the President at the memorial service for the Fort Hood victims, but why does doing or saying the right thing always seem to take him longer than it should?

When I hear a Democrat say 'bipartisanship' I hear 'we need a Republican on board to blame when our idea doesn't work'. And yet the Republicans fall for it over and over. Time to replace the elephant with a picture of Charlie Brown holding a football.

Robin Williams once joked about English law enforcement procedure concerning unarmed police faced with a fleeing criminal: Stop, or I'll say stop again. Who knew years later this would be adopted as Obama administration policy toward Iran, and North Korea, and Afghanistan, and terrorism, and you get the idea? The only thing that so far has warranted a stronger Obama stand is the destruction of criticism and dissent.

Anyone see the photo-op cheshire cat grin of Imelda Pelosi being serenaded by fellow Democrats applause Saturday night, after the passing of that unconstitutional health care bill? I can't see that picture without adding the caption 'Look how much money I just spent'.

Can someone please tell Bill Clinton that the real conspiracy is how Al Gore is still somehow living on the government dime.

Where'd all the war protesters go?

Before the moon was bombed shouldn't we have given UN sanctions a chance, or at the least sent Hillary Clinton there to open a dialogue? Maybe even add the moon to the presidential apology tour list for landing there in the first place.

I guess its safe to assume that the wind beneath Bette Midlers' wings isn't Glenn Beck.

The NFL and its esteemed commissioner Roger Goodell carry the scent of hypocrisy concerning the possibility of Rush Limbaugh becoming a part-owner of the St. Louis Rams. Goodell couldn't even hold Larry Johnsons' actual homophobic comments to the same standard as he did the imagined comments attributed to Limbaugh.

What is diversity? Hearing a caller to a national sports radio show saying Limbaugh is blatantly racist because he's from Missouri, and that the midwest is naturally racist because there's 'no diversity' has me concerned. Is diversity a region predominately white but with varying opinions stemming from differing ethnic and religious influences, or is diversity represented by a political party whose members all parrot the exact same words?
I guess diversity means Democrat.

Why is it whenever a member of the US Politburo, sorry, Congress, cites a statistic or percentage it sounds like they've made it up that very second?

If anything written here led you to believe I'm Republican, not hardly. I left back in 1990. Watching The Dede and Newt Funtime Road Show further cemented my feeling that Republicans are low-cal Democrats. Flipping the bird to the voters they're supposed to be courting by running candidates like John McCain, and then trying to justify it with a bend-over-and-accept-it attitude is a great way to ru(i)n a political party. Do I support third parties? No, but I understand the anger and frustration that comes from being ignored by the party leaders who've been holed up in DC for so long that they've lost the ability to relate to, and for that matter even talk to, ordinary people.

If either party spent even half as much time protecting the greater interests of the country as they do playing politics they'd never lose another election.

Sliding Scale Part II:Twilight Time 9/13/09

2010-01-12T21:54:00.001-07:00

What is with the uproar about the sex of South African trackster Castor Semenya? I don't want to go all Captain Obvious on everyone but its so simple: Semen ya=male, Semen nah=female. She's a man Baby, yeah. There hasn't been an easier case of gender identification to solve since the 1976 Olympics and the strange story of East German pole vaulter Inga Titzenbusch.

David Robinson definitely, John Stockton a logical choice, but Michael Jordan a Hall of Fame? Seriously? Why don't we just open it up to every modest talent who barely made his high school team. Only dyed-in-the-wool Kool-Aid drinkers believe Jordan was the reason Chicago won a few NBA championships. True students of the game know the real reason the Bulls were so dominant was the stellar efforts of Scott Williams and Bill Wennington. Congrats to all of the honorees.

The toothless sharks running major league baseball ruled that Alex Rodriguez won't be punished for lying about his juicing up. Is anyone really surprised? Its much easier for Commissioner Bud and his stooges to do the right thing when doing the right thing involves a 20-inning-a-year middle reliever for the Orioles.

This week James Madison tops the true, settle-it-on-the-field college football top 25 poll. Last years' runner-up Montana comes in at #5 and defending national champion Richmond is 6th. Why oh why isn't anyone in higher education concerned about the classroom time lost by the fine young men playing for these schools while they're away from campus for postseason games?
Oh yah, last years paper champion Florida can be considered a distant 26th.

Larry Gelbart passed away Friday. The name is likely not familiar, but think early MASH when the show was truly funny-before the preachy crap started with the cast changes. His style and humor were and are still an inspiration. RIP Mr. Gelbart. Condolences to family and friends.

A lot has been on my mind the last few days. Good, bad, right, wrong, thoughts all over the place. Its funny and yet sad when you see something that is very important to you personally while everyone else treats the same thing as trivial. Something from conversations a long while back returned to my mind-"No one cares unless its theirs". It doesn't quite fit the situation, and yet it does.

As I sit here watching the keyboard stare back at me I realize its time to step back and give up my seat at the table. Times change, people change, and life takes on a different look. Down the road when something in the sports world trips my cord I'll fire up the laptop again but until that time the world outside calls.

Thank you Harry and Beezer for allowing me the chance to (try to) fill your shoes now and again, to Kevin and Kyle for the opportunity to contribute, to the new friends like Fan I'd not known at the old stomping grounds, and to the old friends who've always found my ramblings worthy of their time. It is all greatly appreciated.

Thank you for stopping. Hit the lights on the way out.

The Sliding Scale of Right and Wrong 9/12/09

2010-01-12T21:53:00.000-07:00

Oh, I don't know. My guess is I can ignore it a very long time.---Bob Ford, Philadelphia Daily News

As I sit here staring out the window watching the clouds breaking up after a day of rain, my thoughts wander. What is news and who decides what is and isn't important enough information for the public to be made aware? Does the electronic and print media use a sliding scale of right and wrong to make that call? Or in the case of the Philadelphia Daily News is it a dipstick?

What is important to us? Should what happens in California or Maine or Georgia make any difference to me out here in the sticks? Yes, it should. Folks around the country should be looking cross-eyed at those of us in this state for inflicting Tom Daschle on the world and keeping him living on the public dime for nearly thirty years. Even a heartfelt apology doesn't seem adequate to convey the shame. I am sorry though. I voted for him, I fell for it, once. I learned early. I'm still sorry.

The fact is a crook is a crook is a crook regardless of geography. As the line between the sports world and the 'real' world blurs it becomes even more evident. How many of us grow irate at the thought of Congress lecturing sports figures about such things as morality and ethics when the Gang of 535 is at least as corrupt as those players and coaches who're being browbeaten? And yet as the voices of dissent grow louder we're still fed a daily dose of slop from the media. Honestly, I don't care whether the First Lady looks good in a pair of shorts. I really really don't. Expose dirty dealings and illegal activity-sports world and real world!

If a prominent athlete is spending quite a bit of quality time with a character carrying a shady past and even shadier future for God's sake tell us. By the same standard if a good guy is in fact a good guy tell us that too. Hey Reporter Guy, how about trusting us to be smart enough to make decisions for ourselves? The current landscape is littered with bankrupt media outlets that thought it better to decide for us what we were supposed to think. Look how well that worked out.

I want to know that our games at least have the illusion of squeaky clean (yes, I'm an idealist). I want the sports figures I hold in higher regard to be worthy of being held in higher regard. I'm not going to lie and say I never patterned how I played after certain players, or conducted myself off the field by how I saw my favorites carry themselves. There, I admitted it: I considered some of them 'role models'.

When I was a kid the people reporting on sports were at least moderately successful at unbiased reportage. Those who call themselves 'reporters' nowadays are just faking it. "All the news that's fit to print" has deteriorated to "Only the stuff we feel like printing". How sad.

My generation is by now jaded and lost. This generation deserves the same chance we had to have 'heroes'. I'm not naive enough to believe the world was, is, or ever will be perfect. Without honest, unbiased, unfiltered information sources all this generation can look forward to is 'Oh, I don't know. My guess is I can ignore it for a very long time'. This generation deserves better.

Thanks for reading.

Clearing The Cobwebs 9/7/09

2010-01-12T21:52:00.000-07:00

Simply some shallow observations and questions too deep for such a simple mind (Thank you Supertramp). Maybe the answers are out there. If you can provide any guidance feel free to show the way. Obviously I just don't get it.

Prepared statements loudly proclaim one of two things: either 'I did something really dumb' or 'I'm very guilty'. In some cases both.

If your kid came to you and admitted that he'd tested positive for a performance enhancing drug, but added that the PED he's taking isn't on a banned list, would you accept this excuse?

If you find your kids' reasoning unacceptable, then why do we use that excuse for the star athlete on our favorite team?
If you deem the reasoning acceptable, then why crucify the same star athlete if he plays for our favorite teams' biggest rival?

In the same vein, why do we find excuses for Terrell Owens and Chad EightFive doing crap that would earn our kids a scolding if they did it in a game?

Hank Aaron: 6-0 180. Today's players: Artificially inflated to linebacker sized. Old time stadiums: Bigger than some national parks. Today's stadiums: Smaller than the Mall of America food court. Long live King Henry.

Does the identity of the messenger make it easier for us to dismiss the message and/or personally attack and disparage said messenger? Ask Curt Schilling.

I'd really like to ask an old-time NFLer like Bart Starr or Gale Sayers or Lynn Swann how come they didn't have any fun playing football. None of those old NFL Films highlight reels show them dancing or acting out anyway. I can only assume they must have hated playing.

How come the soap opera we know as Manuela Ramirez was 'Manny being Manny' when he was playing great for Boston but once he left town he was suddenly a jerk? 30+ home runs and a .300 batting average must earn a deaf ear and a blind eye. It reminds me of the difference between crazy and eccentric-about ten decimal places on the bank statement.

One week into the college football season and the Oklahoma Sooners are already eliminated from the paper national championship picture. Amazing.

How much of a mess is the financial picture of the Phoenix Coyotes franchise? The US government hadn't seen a takeover it didn't like until Gretzky called.

Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila. What the hell is a Tila Tequila and is this the best a professional athlete can do? Merriman should have had his hand wrapped around his own throat out of general principle. The Chargers picking Larry English in the first round makes even more sense now.

Enjoy your holiday and thanks for reading.

With Hat in Hand 8/29/09

2010-01-12T21:48:00.002-07:00

And in the spirit of prevailing forgiveness, I've come to plead my case. I hold no remorse because there was no morse in the first place. I ask only for consideration. I'll let the facts speak for themselves and leave the verdict to all of you.

Michael Vick: Left handed
Me: Left handed

Vick: 6-0 215
Me: 6-1 225

Vick: 29 years old
Me: Old enough to know a sycophant and an enabler when I see one.

Vick: Hasn't played professional football in 23 months
Me: Hasn't played serious football in 23 years

Vick: Used pseudonym Ron Mexico
Me: Know a guy named Ron, never been to Mexico but like Hispanic food.

Vick: Financed and ran interstate dog fighting operation. Did time in prison.
Me: Punched off-duty deputy sheriff, broke sheriff's nose with elbow in same incident. Charges dropped.

Vick: Presently counseled by Tony Dungy
Me: Previously verbally abused by Mom's brother Tony

Vick: Once electrocuted dog for having poor fighting skills
Me: Once took a leak on electric fence for a case of beer

Vick: Rumored to have been detained in Miami airport for questionable smelling water bottle
Me: Actually detailed in Minneapolis airport while TSA agents figured out my knee brace was in fact a knee brace and my crutches weren't loaded

Vick: Known for speed in outrunning opposing defenses
Me: Known for killing grizzly with bare hands while on my way home from school, uphill both ways

Vick: Has friends who sold him out for lighter prison sentences
Me: Has friends who can almost form complete sentences

Vick: 53% completions
Me: Was figuring for about 57+ pct. but willing to underachieve if necessary

Vick: Gave herpes to sexual partner (settled civil suit)
Me: Gave her pez dispenser to third grade classmate (lost on playground)

Vick: Article in GQ
Me: Has an IQ

Vick: Incarcerated in Kansas
Me: Incorporated in Wyoming

Vick: One year $1.6 million with option
Me: Will play for food and 1.1 million

So you see, despite a slight age difference my body of work holds up very favorably in my humble opinion. It is in your hands to decide if I play again. I throw myself on the mercy of this jury of my peers whether I've positively stated my case. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Murph

PRFD 8/18/09

2010-01-12T21:46:00.002-07:00

A little discussed disease is slowly affecting the sports world and it needs to be brought into the light. Lately many have suffered its effects but few athletes have talked much about it and it remains not only frequently undiagnosed but without exception untreated. Growing public concerns have been met with an apathetic ear by the owners, media, and respective (but not respected) commissioners.

The scientific and medical research communities must soon address these concerns before this illness spreads into the general population. By no means am I crying Chicken Little. Continually ignoring the signs and symptoms won't make this disease go away. It must be treated. I'm talking of course about

Post Retirement Favre Disorder

The list of afflicted athletes seems to grow daily. Some we hear about, but many wander through their everyday lives without even realizing they've been exposed to the virus. Just recently WR Derrick Mason of the Baltimore Ravens was stricken. We recognize many of the names, but how many more must fall before the powers-that-be take notice? Here is a partial list (feel free to add the names of other victims I missed or was unaware):

Derrick Mason-Baltimore Ravens
Roger Clemens-Pick a team
Michael Jordan-Chicago Bulls/Birmingham Barons
Alonzo Mourning-Miami Heat
George Foreman-Boxing
Lance Armstrong-Cycling
Mario Lemieux-Pittsburgh Penguins
Wilt Chamberlain-Los Angeles Lakers
Sugar Ray Leonard-Boxing
Ricky Williams-Saints/Dolphins/CFL
Muhammad Ali-Boxing
Magic Johnson-Los Angeles Lakers

How many more must fall victim before this growing epidemic is addressed? It only takes a moment to open your hearts and your wallets. Won't you please give....today? (Yes, I'm channeling Sally Struthers)

One last thought (now channeling Homer Simpson): Brett, you liar!

Thanks for reading.

Altered States 8/15/09

2010-01-12T21:46:00.001-07:00

As I sat Tuesday night going through notes, starting a rough draft for Sunday, checking a name here and verifying a fact there, the words had begun to flow and things were coming together in a way that could really inspire some heavy debate.

And then came the news........

The cabbie who took the beating from Patrick Kane over a few coins may not have had a valid license. First reaction was ambivalence ('what difference does that make?') but then a puzzled feeling came over me. Maybe I overreacted in condemning Kane for assaulting the cabbie. After all, this fight was about an amount of money well over fifteen cents, and really a cabbie is barely half a step above a homeless guy or welfare mom anyway. Maybe Kane was right in opening a can of hurt on this cab driver. If I was wrong about this, could some of my opinions about other folks generating lots of headines lately be misguided and/or ill-informed? My head began to spin more than usual. Sleepless nights were definitely going to be part of my immediate future.

Work was a welcome distraction come Wednesday morning, but even then the Kane Mutiny weighed on my mind. I couldn't escape the feeling that my deepest core beliefs had been shaken. I found myself blaming Kane one moment, the cabbie the next, and even innocent bystanders were found to be at fault for not using enough foresight to have doughnuts ready when the police arrived. How could they NOT have known somebody would call 911? Someone, anyone, had to be held responsible. My thoughts continued to be all over the place. Nothing made sense.

Wednesday night brought much sole searching, but even after I found my shoes I still carried a heavy conscience. The questions swirled in my mind. Was Kane wrong? Was the cabbie wrong? Could they both be wrong? Did the coat hanging in the corner just move? Is that MY hand?

Finally, early Thursday morning, the revelation hit me. What I'd thought was a completely irrelevant detail was actually the one that made all the difference: The cabbie was at fault, and brought that beating on himself by not having a valid driving license. Kane couldn't be held responsible. My initial reaction was wrong-I was wrong, and I'd likely treated some others too harshly as well lately. I had plenty of research to do, and something told me I had a few apologies to issue. Another sleepless night was to come. Exhaustive study of even the most seemingly irrelevant detail had to be completed. My conscience needed cleansing.

This is what I found:

Condemning the players involved in instigating the Sox-Tigers bench clearing brawl was misguided on my part. Earlier the day of the incident players from both teams were seen eating salads in their respective clubhouses. Pro athletes aren't meant to eat that kind of crap. What were the people who supplied the buffet thinking?
In fact, I even found a former Pistons player who implied that the very same caterers supplied the food eaten before the Detroit-Indiana game interrupted by Pacers players brawling with fans. He spoke on condition of anonymity: 'If Coach tells you I ate lettuce, then that's that. I may have eaten one salad this year, but if somebody says I ate one salad then that's enough to get a whole lot started. I can't eat romaine man. We're talking about lettuce. We're talking about lettuce man. We're not talking about a meal, something that actually matters, we're talking about lettuce. We're talking about lettuce.''

These players weren't responsible for their actions in either case. The clubhouse caterers incited the dispute by providing substandard drivel. I was wrong in condemning you guys, and I'm sorry.

Gary Bettman isn't destroying hockey with his shoddy leadership and blackballing of qualified prospective owners. Bettman is a man who has been tortured his entire adult life living under the cloud of crushed dreams from back to his adolescence. As a kid Bettman dreamed of becoming a Rockette, even going so far as training himself to become a world class skater, but still somehow was continually passed over for selection to the storied dance troupe. Bettman carries that angst to this day. If only someone had told him he'd confused the dancers with Ice Capades the future of the NHL might not appear so bleak. I'm sorry I judged you so harshly Gary. Its not you, its us.

I've been especially harsh towards Nancy Pelosi lately concerning her careless free-spending ways. I even went so far as to say she's racking up receipts like the drunken wife of a former southeast Asian dictator. Little did I know that 'Nancy Pelosi' is in fact the Anglicized translation of the name she was originally christened with-Imelda Marcos. That explains quite a bit. If only I'd known Nancy/Imelda. Many apologies.

Josh Hamilton isn't responsible for the carousing and debauchery captured recently on video and in print. Oh, Redi-Whip you evil seductress. How you taunt us with your sweet aerosol goodness. Even the strongest among us would be tested by this whipped cream temptation, let alone a recovering alcoholic and crack addict. The man is only human, and we're talking about Redi-Whip for Pete's sake. Of course, the hot babe applicators don't make resistance any easier. I'm sorry Josh, I now understand better your night of weakness. Damn you Redi-Whip! Damn you!

So you see, finding fault can in many cases involves the most obscure or even ridiculously made up details. Howard Jones was right all those years ago-No one ever is to blame. At least not as we're lead to believe anyway.

Maybe we should all quit fooling ourselves and accept that in Amerika today right and wrong is decided by comparing financial statements.

Thanks for reading.

B(C)S Remedy 8/9/09

2010-01-12T21:42:00.000-07:00

BCS Chief: 'Playoffs would threaten bowl games'

Of course, a playoff system would also eliminate much of the whining, foot-stamping, name-calling, and general hissy fits that go with being a college football fan. Heck, ESPiN might even have to cut back to a twelve hour programming cycle.

A playoff system would be relatively simple to implement and the bowl game protectionists would make as much money, if not more, if they weren't so shortsighted. Including the sham BCS 'championship' game 34 bowls were certified for 2008 (Not sure if the International Bowl in Toronto would be interested in carrying a playoff game, but accommodations could be made). With a 32 team playoff there would be a total of 31 games played to determine a true national champion. The Congressional Bowl would cease to exist because considering the current state of things in Washington no elected official would be allowed anywhere near oversight or participation. Our 'leaders' have screwed up enough of our country already without being involved in this. A longer rant for a different forum.....

The only bone thrown to the bigger, more politically powerful conferences would be a moderately larger share of the thirty-two team playoff field. The SEC, Big 12, and ACC would be represented by the first- and second-place finishers in each division; the Pac-10, Big 10, and Big East would have their top three; two each from the Sun Belt, WAC, Mountain West, and Conference USA; the division winners from Mid America East and West, and one independent. All teams will play a ten game schedule, with eight being conference games. No more politicking to play in the more prestigious bowl games. The elitist pomposity in the concept of subjectively 'qualifying' to play in the Rose or Orange would be gone, replaced by the pressure of winning enough conference and playoff games to earn the right to play for something more than a paper championship.

Soooooo, without further adieu or adon't, here are your first round matchups based on 2008 conference records (lets play pick the winners and crown our own paper champion):

Game 1: Eagle Bank Bowl-Oklahoma vs. Ole Miss
Game 2: Meineke-Virginia Tech vs. Georgia
Game 3: Champs Sports-Missouri vs. Pitt
Game 4: Papa Johns-Florida vs. Louisiana-Lafayette
Game 5: Armed Forces-Cincinnati vs. Oregon St.
Game 6: Insight-Navy vs. Tulsa
Game 7: Chick-Fil-A-Boston College vs. TCU
Game 8: Outback-Alabama vs. West Virginia
Game 9: Capitol One-Boise St. vs. Michigan St.
Game 10: Hawaii-Ball St. v. Nebraska
Game 11: New Orleans-Utah vs. Florida St.
Game 12: Alamo-Penn St. vs. Georgia Tech
Game 13: Motor City-USC vs. Louisiana Tech
Game 14: Texas-East Carolina vs. Oregon
Game 15: Emerald-Troy vs. Ohio St.
Game 16: St. Petersburg-Buffalo vs. Texas
Game 17: Humanitarian-TBD
Game 18: New Mexico-TBD
Game 19: Las Vegas-TBD
Game 20: Holiday-TBD
Game 21: Poinsettia-TBD
Game 22: Independence-TBD
Game 23: Sun-TBD
Game 24: Gator-TBD
Game 25: Liberty-TBD
Game 26: Fiesta-TBD
Game 27: Sugar-TBD
Game 28: Cotton-TBD
Game 29: Rose-TBD
Game 30: Orange-TBD
Game 31: Playoff Championship-TBD

Sound workable and/or reasonable? I'd like to think so. The Bowls still make money and early round games can always be accommodated with regional teams. The older more prestigious games will still rotate hosting the finals. One thing that would be nice would be to see the corporate named bowl games revert back to any original name or changed altogether. Accommodations could also be made for the corporation-sponsors to still receive the bang for their bucks, such as end zone and midfield logos or messages. These minor details could easily be hammered out. Everyone wins right? Unfortunately the star chamber controlling college football only sees all those trees in the way. Who are they you ask?

The Six Side-Saddled Horsemen of the Wimpocalypse: Mike Slive-SEC, Tom Hansen-Pac-10, Jim Delany-Big 10, Dan Beebe-Big 12, John Swofford-ACC coordinator, Michael Tranghese-Big East. These are the 'men' who head the 'elite' conferences afraid of playing the smaller schools, pullers of the strings that move the NCAA anti-competition competition committee. Trangehese is to be replaced by someone named John Marinatto, who says he doesn't expect to make too many changes to how the conference is being run. By extension, it'd appear that Marinatto is just another status quo guy. Great, just great.

BCS Presidents oversight committee members:
David Frohnmeyer-Oregon (Pac 10) Give me a G
Rev. John Jenkins-Notre Dame (Big East affiliate) Give me a U
Robert Khayat-Mississippi (SEC) Give me a T
Mark A. Nordenberg-Pittsburgh (Big East) Give me an L
Harvey Perlman-Nebraska (Big 12) Give me an E
Graham Spanier-Penn State (Big 10) Give me an S
Charles W. Steger-Virginia Tech (ACC) Give me another S
John G. Peters-Northern Illinois (Mid-American) Give this guy a Tums

Isn't this great? Every playoff vote appears to have the outcome of 7-1 against. ACORN couldn't stack an election any better than this.

The first college football poll is out and Florida is the pick to repeat as paper champion. Richmond won on the field. Until they lose the Spiders are the team to beat. Period.

Myth: We fans can't affect change. The owners and their bootlicking commissioners hold all the power. I don't buy it. Every flood starts with a single raindrop, every avalanche with a single snowflake. The owners' apathy isn't what makes the sporting landscape look as it does, its our own indifference.

Thanks for reading.

Only Blackeard Can Save Pittsburgh Now 8/1/09

2010-01-12T21:41:00.000-07:00

Honey? Honey? Honeyyyyy?
Yeah, what?
Are you awake?
What do you think?
I'm nervous about all this, but excited.
Yeah?
I met a lot of the people here already. They seem very nice, but they're all sooo young and tanned and perfect. Do you think I'm pretty?
I married you didn't I?
Yes, but am I pretty enough to fit in?
Of course you are.
The owner called today. The job is mine if I want it. It should be fun working there but they all seem so smart. Everyone there went to college and a lot of them got degrees. Do you think I'm smart?
Of course you are.
Smart enough to fit in with my co-workers?
They're hiring you aren't they?
True. I feel so bloated lately. Everyone here looks so healthy and fit. Do you think I look fat?
For God's sake Brett, go to sleep.

Anyone else get the idea Deanna is encouraging Favre to play just so she can finally get some sleep?

Early favorite to win the 2010 NCAA softball championship is UCLA, bolstered by a strong recruiting class and the powerful hitting stroke of 'transfer student' Manuela Ramirez. You read it here first.

Give me a bad umpire/referee before an apathetic one anytime. Bad officials have the potential to improve. Apathetic officials tend to just give a-pathetic effort and expect it to be accepted.

Details are still sketchy about what exactly happened between Ben Roethlisberger and the hotel employee, but we'll know for sure whether he's guilty or not if Big Ben is seen jewelry shopping with Vanessa Bryant. Not a good omen.

During the flurry of earlier-in-the-day big-name trades everyone missed the very last of the last minute WMLB deadline deals: Cleveland traded itself to Pittsburgh for the last of the remaining Pirates. As things stand, tomorrow any one of us could be a pirate. Arrrrrrr!

Easiest way to figure out who's losing a debate/argument is checking who first resorted to 'you're just a hater' or 'stop hating on...'.

Today brought the surprise announcement that Brett Favre has officially been banned from all Outback Steakhouse franchises worldwide. A scene was created after Favre and his party were asked to leave at closing time. Witnesses say that the group had tied up a table from the time they'd been seated at 4:15 in the afternoon until well past 1 A.M. while Favre vacillated, hesitated, obsessed, and otherwise drove three different shifts of servers batty while attempting to make up his mind whether to order an appetizer or not.

The Cardinals trade for Julio Lugo is another good reminder to always recycle. Khalil Greene and now Lugo makes St. Louis the leading contender to have their stadium naming rights sold to Alcoa.

Throwback athletes who believe that diet supplementing means regular beer will once again appear on the sports landscape very soon. Screw steroids.

Mr. Spock and his people may have given us our current puck technology but Vulcan hockey will remain a middle of the road contender as long as they continue to play a technically proficient but predictably logical style. Offensive creativity and a little gooning it up will have them off their game and playing for seventh place every time. Same deal with the Russians.

Rumor has it Talking Heads frontman David Byrne is a surprise leading contender to take over as GM of the Cleveland Indians. Stop making sense indeed Beezer. Hopefully Tribe fans everywhere will once again experience the Wild Wild Life very soon.

And all of you thought I wasn't paying attention.

Thanks for reading.

Seven Sporting Signs of The Apocalypse 7/28/09

2010-01-12T21:39:00.001-07:00

1. Sports commissioners who act in the best interests of the game.

2. An all-sports network emerges which shows scores and highlights in between live game broadcasts. No, seriously, a real one.

3. Rasheed and Artest are only suspended for valid reasons.

4. Danica Earnhardt Jr. wins the Nascar points championship, proving that he or she or they aren't just a pretty face.

5. Terrell Owens is described as being 'a great locker room influence' by a teammate able to keep a straight face on the same day that Brett Favre announces he's really really really really going to retire this time. Really.

6. WMLB umpires start using the same rule book in both leagues for strike zone guidelines and dimensions.

7. Sporting News 2.0 is ready and operational.

Good Will Bunting 7/19/09

2010-01-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

I'm a Cardinals fan and always will be. This week was tough though. Never before have I been ashamed to call myself a Cardinals fan. Stan Musial should have thrown out the first pitch at the All-Star game. Period. He didn't. The silence coming out of the Cardinals organization gives the impression they were okay with this. Its not okay. There is a president every year, and an all-star game every year, but it won't be back in St. Louis for awhile. Stan the Man is 88 years old. It sucks being realistic about it but he might not be around the next time the Cardinals host the game. Stan Musial should have been on the mound passing the figurative mantle of Redbird excellence to Albert Pujols. It'd have been a nice homage to all that is good about the history of baseball and not coincidentally one of its all time best players, but instead Bud Selig or whoever makes these decisions overthought and muffed it completely. 'Hey, lets have him driven out in a golf cart and hand the ball over to some two-bit hack politician.' Nice. Real nice. This is the kind of thinking that made Sheriff Andy restrict Barney to carrying the bullet in his shirt pocket.

If its not overseeing the debacle of the steroid era that seals Bud Selig's place in baseball history, it'll be that style finally dealt the death blow to substance. Shame on you Commish. A special shame on you to the St. Louis Cardinals organization in general, and Albert Pujols in particular, for allowing Mr. Musial to be treated so shabbily. He deserves the best, or at least a damned sight better than this. What does it say about the sense of history and tradition in the makeup of professional baseball players of 2009 that only Joe Torre had a clue who Stan Musial is and found a moment to go shake his hand? Every single player on that field should be carrying a heavy sense of embarrassment. If this were Boston somehow I think Beckett and Ortiz would have some clue who Carl Yastrzemski is, in San Francisco Rowand would recognize Willie Mays. Don't pawn this off as someone else's problem like you did earlier this year when asked about Manny Ramirez Albert. You were there Tuesday. You're better than this Albert. You're a St. Louis Cardinal. That in itself carries a higher standard. Live up to it outside the chalk lines too.

Which leads us to the latest chapter in the Ballad of Bud. Bud Selig has emasculated baseball. The game is finally equipped, no pun intended, to be called the WMLB. Since he's seen clear to sacrifice bunt the integrity of the game and good will of the fans to move the almighty dollar over to third, fair seems fair. This isn't about Manny being Manuela anymore, or about the metamorphosis of Alex Rodriguez to A-Rod to A-Fraud to finally showing the long term consequences of steroid use/abuse A-ShriveledRod. I don't even want to think about Prince Fielder in garters and stockings. This is an attempt to put the numbers produced the last fifteen years into a clearer context. Hopefully anyway.

There is no pure mathematical basis in what follows, just turning the same type (or lack) of principles that Bud Selig follows right back on the era he's overseen. In a sense it could be considered applying flawed to fraud.

Shooting Steroids Sosa, sorry, Swingin Sammy Sosa, came into the league at 6-0 165 and by his last year was listed at 220. Since no major leaguers will fess up, and Sosa increased his weight by 33% during his career, the stonewalling players are hit with an equally hard line. All major stats accumulated from '94-present day have 1/3 removed right off the top. No exceptions. Is it fair? Nope. But neither is Selig and his Shooting-Up Stars screwing over the fans. Sooooo, the Top 20 home run list takes on a very different look:

Selig's Shooters List: Cheats Adjusted:
1. Barry Bonds 762 from 86-07 1. Hank Aaron 755 54-76
2. Hank Aaron 755 2. Babe Ruth 714 14-35
3. Babe Ruth 714 3. Wille Mays 660 51-73
4. Willie Mays 660 4. Frank Robinson 586 56-76
5. Ken Griffey Jr. 621 89- 5. Barry Bonds 582 Adjusted-180
6. Sammy Sosa 609 89-08 6. Harmon Killebrew 573 54-75
7. Frank Robinson 586 7. Reggie Jackson 563 67-87
8. Mark McGwire 583 86-01 8. Mike Schmidt 548 72-89
9. Harmon Killebrew 573 9. Mickey Mantle 536 51-68
10. Rafael Palmeiro 569 86-05 10. Jimmie Foxx 534 25-45
11. A-ShrivelingRod 568 94- 11. Willie McCovey 521 59-80
12. Reggie Jackson 563 Tie Ted Williams 521 39-60
13. Jim Thome 554 91- 13. Ernie Banks 512 53-71
14. Mike Schmidt 548 Tie Eddie Matthews 512 52-68
15. Mickey Mantle 536 15. Mel Ott 511 26-47
16. Manuela Ramirez 536 93- 16. Lou Gehrig 493 23-39
17. Jimmie Foxx 534 17. Eddie Murray 483 77-97 Adj.-21
18. Willie McCovey 521 18. Stan Musial 475 41-63
Tie Ted Williams 521 Tie Willie Stargell 475 62-82
Tie Frank Thomas 521 90-08 20. Mark McGwire 465 Adjusted-118

Quite a difference eh? I'll be the first to admit the formula is technically flawed. However, since Sosa had the most dramatic weight increase (33%) among the cheats it seems about right to place a blanket 1/3 penalty against each and every player who's racked up numbers since 1994. Benefit of the doubt is gone. Since the players haven't felt the need to protect the integrity of the game and its hallowed records the integrity of their own personal statistics loses that same protection. If they want their records restored they need to come clean. Pun intended.

Final thoughts: I understand the outrage over the 30 day sentence of Donte Stallworth. Though Marcia Clark was able to prosecute thirty days more than her last case that fact doesn't make it any easier to accept. That said, comparisons to Michael Vick need to stop. Stallworth killed a guy while driving drunk. We know that and I'd hope we can all agree that what he did was wrong. However, Vick didn't just 'kill a dog or two'. Michael Vick knowingly bankrolled and participated in the day-to-day operation of an illegal dog-fighting ring across jurisdictions and state lines. A nineteen page federal indictment doesn't boil down to 'a dog or two'. Read the entire thing and then tell me it was all about 'a dog or two'.
I'm not against anyone getting a second chance in life. Stallworth had second chances in Philadelphia, New England, and Cleveland. Call him a poor mans' Koren Robinson or Steve Howe.

Even the stockbroker with the sharpest eye for picking winners doesn't get a second chance if he's caught insider trading, a banker cooking the books doesn't work in finance anymore, but they're still both free and clear to find a job elsewhere. Michael Vick does deserve a second chance in life, but maybe its best that he use that sheepskin from Virginia Tech to pursue a career in a field not involving helmets and cleats.
Consider this a challenge to all of those who've been enabling him his whole life to stop screaming his praises. For example, ESPiN. Step up and help him in a way that's truly substantial. Hire him at your workplace. Otherwise, shut it.

Rest in peace Alexis Arguello. Its pretty pathetic that the press couldn't find time during all the silliness the last couple weeks to show any respect to this outstanding boxer.

Thanks for reading.

Shagging Flies 7/6/09

2010-01-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

Marian Gaborik is a great signing by the Rangers, Martin Havlat a puzzler to replace him in Minnesota. Lets see, we've lost our best player. Maybe we'll get lucky and find someone older, less talented and more fragile to fill the void. How about Martin Havlat? Then again, what do I know. The Oilers dump 60 year old Dwayne Roloson for 58 year old Nikolai Khabibulin. Guess Damian Rhodes or Red Light Racicot were unavailable.

Sore armed Yankees pitcher Chien-Ming Pavano will be playing somewhere on the west coast this time next season. You read it here first.

Conspiracy theorists must be having a field day over the puzzling choice by the Timberwolves of Ricky Rubio with the fifth pick in the recent NBA draft. Shortly after the pick ESPiN hypester Stuart Scott was spotted delivering flowers to the T-Wolves corporate offices. It does seem a dream scenario for the four-letter network since now they only need dispatch one reporter to Minnesota to breathlessly cover both breaking stories. Anyone else suffering from Rubio-Favre overload syndrome yet?

Congratulations to Donte Stallworth for breaking the seemingly unbreakable record held by former major leaguer Steve Howe for throwing away second chances.

Diana Taurasi was cited recently for DUI following an apparent post-game celebration of a win over Seattle. Who says the girls can't compete? A Phoenix police spokesman said Taurasi would be charged under Title IX of the state traffic safety code.

Pirates trade rumors update: Look for Zach Duke to the Yankees for Fred Stanley and Cliff Johnson or straight up to the Angels for a bag of Doritos.

Formula 1 boss Bernie Ecclestone is taking flak for praising Adolf Hitler as a leader 'who got things done'. Ecclestone must be holding personal admiration for some of Hitlers' other 'policies' because if my history serves me Hitler had nothing to do with construction of the Autobahn.

Line of the year to date: Deb Carson of Fox Sports Radio on Manny Ramirez hitting a home run in his second game back 'The first home run in major league history hit by a pregnant woman'. It doesn't get much better than that. She's very easy to look at too.

Tragic events abound this weekend. The warrior Steve McNair was found shot to death in a downtown Nashville condominium. Meanwhile in news out of Kabul a rocket and mortar attack by Taliban scumbags on a US base resulted in the deaths of two tough former professional football players. Is anyone yet still not seeing anything wrong with using the word 'warrior' to describe well-compensated athletes? This horse has been beaten enough, point made. Condolences to the families of those two soldiers and to the McNairs.

Congratulations to Roger Federer for winning the Wimbledon final vs. Andy Roddick. Gotta give credit to Roddick too for playing his heart out. Going in I thought Andy Rooney would make a better matchup.

Major surprise signing of Rasheed Wallace by the Celtics. Upon signing no surprise that Commissioner Dave announced Wallace had been suspended indefinitely for signing with the Celtics.

Thanks for reading.

Off The Beaten Path 7/4/09

2010-01-12T21:35:00.000-07:00

Now that Independence Day is done we can forget what the day truly means and continue moving toward In Dependence. Every passing moment its becoming more apparent that Americans are becoming selfish, lazy junkies addicted to the modern day principles of 'gimme gimme gimme' and 'whats in it for me?'.

I heard an old song yesterday and it really felt like being punched in the throat. Considering it was recorded 40 years ago under different circumstances it holds parallels to modern day events in the US. Its a shame that the very folks who spent so much time protesting in the 1960s in the name of 'freedom' haven't recognized that they're the same folks who're eliminating freedom today. Or maybe they just never cared about anything other than their own selfish pursuit of power under the guise of 'freedom'.

With freedom comes responsibility. If we choose not to accept responsibility for our freedom our freedom will disappear without exceptions. Americans only have each other to rely on to pull our country back up by its bootstraps. We can't expect any help from the print or electronic media. The American reporter is a thing of the past. Instead of getting unbiased and unfiltered facts we're fed what the press wants us to hear, or what they think we want to hear. Isn't it an interesting paradox that the foundations of Freedom of Speech and Freedom of the Press are lost on the very people those freedoms were written to protect? The print and electronic media are censoring the news we receive, period.

Doesn't it seem odd to anyone that since the November election no American servicemen or women have died in Iraq or Afghanistan? You'd almost think so anyway, now that it isn't fashionable to keep a running tally anymore. A small but significant example that points to an extremely slanted agenda in the media. Hopefully the tingles up their collective legs will subside soon and reporters will get back to doing the job they're supposed to be doing: Presenting unbiased information to the American public so as to keep us informed of the goings-on not only among our ruling class but in the world at large. I won't be holding my breath. You shouldn't either.

To their credit the media doesn't hesitate to let us know all of the unethical goings-on in the Republican party, but where is the equal and opposite? John Murtha-PA (35 years living off the people) has been a crook all the way back to the Reagan Administration and Abscam. At best Barney Frank-MA (28 years) and Chris Dodd-CT (34 years) are bordering on the edge of conflict of interest violations, at worst are completely corrupt individuals as well. The name Nancy Pelosi-CA (22 years) pretty much speaks for itself. Slim to no press coverage and analysis of these folks. There is something very scary in that. A crook is a crook is a crook no matter if there's a 'D' or an 'R' behind their name.

Either of the two major parties is more to blame than the other. They're both responsible together for the messes that have been made in the name of consolidating their collective power. 'Collective', an interesting word, used most often in reference to standard operating procedures in communistic style countries. The Politburo we refer to as Congress seems to be borrowing on an idea that has failed everywhere else. Hmmm?

Of course, to their credit the Gang of 535 does attempt to stay busy. Its serious business discussing whether or not to adopt August 28th as National Parsnip Day between collecting 'favors' over business breakfasts with lobbyists and deciding which five-star Beltway restaurant to wine and dine their favorite intern. Or interns I suppose. Caligula got nothing on D.C. Power Merchants.

The rest of the average Congresspersons' day can be spent piling more and more inane laws higher and higher until the average citizen is paralyzed from simple confusion of what is legal and what isn't. In our hearts we know what is right and what is wrong but applying our core beliefs and basic common sense to new Congress/Politburo edicts/rules/laws written in the gobbledygook we call legalese makes anything we do a violation. Why? Because somewhere in a bylaw of an addendum of a subtext of a corollary will be found a qualification of a rule that can be theoretically applied. What does that mean? That means there's little difference between a street cop and a professional referee/umpire. An armed robbery in downtown Houston might only be a Hard Foul 2 in Charlotte.

My point? Basically it comes down to this: We owe it to each other to bring our government back from its current existence as a high maintenance/low return free-spending welfare state to an elected body of citizens who have the best interests of the United States first and foremost in their hearts and decisions and actions. We either enjoy the freedom of living in the greatest country in the world or continue down the current path we're on and accept status as third class sheeple serving Washington, DC.

People in South Dakota owe it to people in Louisiana, who owe it to people in Maine, who owe it to people in Oregon, who owe it to people in Kentucky to choose our leaders wisely....and if the choice proves to be a deviant, an incompetent, or otherwise dishonest weasel in the vein of the current crop then the bums must be voted out just as quickly. There is no media anymore to keep watch and present unbiased reportage of Washington shenanigans. The two major parties are only interested in the power of the two major parties. We must do our homework.

By now we should know the difficulties we face going forward. 'Protecting the future of our children' has crossed from what'd seem a basic human priority to nothing more than a clever catch phrase for the talking heads. Americans either care about the kids and their futures or we don't. We can keep giving a damn who's winning some mindless reality show like American Idol or take back control of our own individual realities as United States citizens. The decision should be an easy one. I'm turning off the TV. How about you?

Back to Mr. Happy next time around. Thanks for reading.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSD89c-147c&feature=related

Buffalo Springfield 'For What Its Worth'

There's something happening here
What it is ain't exactly clear
There's a man with a gun over there
Telling me I got to beware

I think it's time we stop, children, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

There's battle lines being drawn
Nobody's right if everybody's wrong
Young people speaking their minds
Getting so much resistance from behind

I think it's time we stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

What a field-day for the heat
A thousand people in the street
Singing songs and carrying signs
Mostly say, hooray for our side

It's time we stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
You step out of line, the man come and take you away

We better stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Stop, now, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down
Stop, children, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down

Feeling The Slow Burn 6/25/09

2010-01-12T21:34:00.000-07:00

During a recent Dan Patrick radio show interview Bud Selig let slip the formation of an MLB 'Dept. of Investigation'. Though it sounds ominous and threatening, knowing Bud as we do its not a stretch to imagine it being staffed with names like Barney Fife and Buford T. Justice. Bud also stated that drug testing in baseball today is an unrivaled success. Lets see, players get tested, positive results come back, the public gets outraged, and Bud says 'well, what do you want me to do about it?'. Yep, sounds successful.

How about if, when the topic of steroids and PEDs comes up, the reflex argument isn't to change the subject by bringing up past eras? I'm not a pharmacologist so I can't say for sure, but can someone tell me if they've ever heard of anyone who has put on forty pounds of muscle through the judicious use of amphetamines or cocaine? How about lets focus on now, and the fact that the players of today have not only inflated themselves but their numbers?
Blanket indictment: Let's turn the list of 104 back on itself. All players, every single one, who have played professional baseball during the Bud Selig era used PEDs. If players want to be considered clean and have any scarlet letters attached to their names removed then they should defy both the union and commissioner and open their personal test results to the public. I've never known any other industry besides professional sports where public perception of integrity and honesty was looked down on. Is it bad 'street cred' to be considered a clean and sober professional athlete?

Congratulations to Jarret Stoll on creating a new defining pinnacle for an underachieving career by calling off his Aug. 14 wedding to Rachel Hunter by email. Hey Jarret? I think Madonna is available. May as well make it a summer to really remember and bottom out completely in your personal life. Bonehead, thy name is Jarret Stoll. Meanwhile, Stacy's Mom has still got it going on.

Tennessee Titans RB Chris Johnson is now taking Twitter suggestions for a new endzone dance. I won't rant or beg the commissioner for a preemptive suspension. Instead I'm going to embrace his request for input and recommend the Bill Gramatica dance. Poetic justice anyone?

Tom Glavine recently announced he won't play in 2009 but isn't retiring. Wonder if the Jets or Vikings are interested.

Shortly after the announcement that Brett Favre (or B-Rent as he's known in the hood, you know, like rent-a-QB) had in fact signed with Minnesota Favre stated that he wouldn't decide until after the 2010 draft whether he'll be coming back for another season in Dallas, or Carolina, or St. Louis, or Miami.
Later on in yet another Brett Favre-inspired press conference came word that Favre will now officially be referred to by the hypesters at ESPiN as 'the only man to ever play quarterback in the NFL, of all time'.

Alex Rodriguez sat a couple games recently because he was suffering from 'fatigue'. If the drug awareness classes from years back were in any way accurate 'fatigue' is the final stage of the roid high. I sincerely hope the rumors of him with Kate Hudson are only rumors. What a total waste that'd be.

Listening to Lincoln Kennedy decrying the suspensions being meted out by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell made for quality radio comedy. Goodell should at least be credited for attempting to address the issues. Paul Tagliabue ran things while Kennedy was in the league, which translated means that there was no player conduct policy being enforced. The fact is Paul Tagliabue did nothing to address any issues that didn't involve getting Paul Tagliabue to the country club as early in the day as possible and onto the golf course even quicker. Of course Goodell looks heavyhanded for punishing anyone, since Paul Tagliabue took it upon himself to punish ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. The dirty little secret of the NFL is that Paul Tagliabue made the league nearly as scumbag-friendly as the NBA. Look at what the pursuit of the almighty buck at all costs has done for the reputation of professional basketball and tell me I'm wrong.
This being said, Lincoln Kennedy does help make Fox Sports Radio light years better than the crap being spewed over on ESPiN.

Thanks for reading.

Ouirks 6/17/09

2010-01-12T21:33:00.000-07:00

A spokesman for Tim Donaghy says the former NBA referee was attacked in prison by another inmate claiming to have ties to the New York mob. Bureau of prisons officials reviewed the incident and subsequently announced the attack has been downgraded to a Hard Foul 2 with no further punishment being considered against the mobster.

Sidney Crosby-Lebron James comparisons are inaccurate at best. In this case if there is behavior to take the compare and contrast test it should be James with Kris Draper and Nicklas Lidstrom. Could it instead be that Draper and Lidstrom should be explaining why they couldn't wait patiently for another minute or two and then take the initiative to go shake hands....just like Lebron James didn't? As always, its easier to point fingers outward than to examine our own character. Or, in the case of Kris Draper, lack of.

Can someone explain to me where its etched in stone that a professional sports team is entitled to a city-financed parade for winning a league championship? Yes its tradition, but its not an entitlement. There's already way too many folks expecting/demanding entitlements these days without adding professional sports teams to the mix.

The New York Times reports that Sammy Sosa tested positive for performance enhancing drugs in 2003. In the same story they report that Sosa had never tested positive, and during Congressional testimony in 2005 had denied any wrongdoing saying 'To be clear, I have never taken illegal performance-enhancing drugs'. To be even more clear Sosa also forgot how to speak English, which makes plausible deniability even more implausible.

Congrats to the Hershey Bears and Pittsburgh Penguins on winning their league championships, and to whoever won the NBA if its finally over.

Thanks for reading.

Life In The Slow Lane 6/9/09

2010-01-12T21:31:00.001-07:00

The Rams have expressed interest in signing Michael Vick. Team sources say Vick would add a locker room and on-field presence that hasn't been felt in St. Louis since the Lawrence Phillips years.

Kurt Busch chimed in recently about Dale Earnhardt Jr. changing crew chiefs-firing his own cousin. Can we still call him Little D if Danica Patrick jumps racing leagues? Or will Danica steal Juniors' title as the Paris Hilton of Nascar?

Carlos Zambrano recorded his 100th career win recently. He celebrated by beating the snot out of Michael Barrett, destroying the clubhouse buffet table, and then going home to watch the remake of his semi-autobiographical movie Psycho.

Moments after LeBron James skipped the mandatory after-game press conference James was seen outside an Orlando area Circle K being dragged to the team bus by Coach Mike Brown, who was overheard saying 'You just wait until we get home. If you're going to act this way after your heavily favored team gets bounced in the conference finals am I ever going to be able to take you grocery shopping in peace?'.

Congrats to Roger Federer on winning the French Open. Matching Pete Sampras' record fourteen Grand Slam titles is an impressive feat in itself, and Federer will likely add a couple more Slams to his credit, but by no means does it make him the default 'greatest tennis player of all time'. Modern day athletes like Federer should consider it a slap in the face when media hypesters fall back on small-minded cliches instead of creating an historical context for a true perspective of their standing among the all-time greats.

Its time for the word 'warrior' to take its exit from sports terminology. Nowhere in any dictionary is warrior defined as a spoiled, overpaid, self-absorbed professional athlete. Until such time as we see Chipper Jones or Jameer Nelson or Gus Frerotte manning a listening post in 130 degree heat, or every single American fighting man and woman is re-upped at 3 years/$10 million, we do our military personnel a disservice by using the word 'warrior' to describe someone dribbling a ball or throwing a pass or fielding a grounder. Food for thought:
NHL league minimum-$475,000 (2008-09 season)
NBA league minimum-$457,588 (2009-10 season, 0 years in league)
MLB league minimum-$400,000 (2009 season)
NFL league minimum-$295,000 (2008-09 season)
Salary of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi-$223,500
Average member of Congress-$174,000
Salary of US Armed Forces enlisted E-1 (4+ months service)-$16,800
Anyone else see a disproportionate bang-for-our-buck?

What exactly is a 'hater'?

The Vikings have imposed an end-of-the-week deadline for Brett al-Favre to decide whether he'll establish a Scumbaggian homeland in Minnesota from which to continue his jihad against the Land of the Cheeseheads. Our only remaining hope for a Favre-free NFL is if the Israelis fire a couple of warning shots over Edina or Brooklyn Park.

The NBA, MLB, and NHL. Three professional sports leagues with borderline shaky, if not completely inept, leadership. Consider.....David Stern+ hairpiece=Bud Selig. Stern+hairpiece-glasses=Gary Bettman. Ever see these guys together in the same room? I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

My late Uncle Bud used to say 'if the barn is burning its not the time to paint the fence. Every time the NCAA resurrects its half-baked plan to force member schools to change 'offensive' nicknames Buds' words come back to mind. Four of the five poorest counties in the United States (Buffalo #1, Shannon-2, Ziebach-4, and Todd-5) are in South Dakota. Another county, Corson, is 7th, and yet another, Dewey, comes in at number 11. Quite the claim to fame eh? The common thread among these six counties is that they completely or nearly completely lie on Indian reservations. What's my point? I wonder if changing those nicknames at far-off colleges will remedy the living conditions in these areas?
There is plenty of anecdotal and statistical data to go on for hours about this but suffice it to say the NCAA has stumbled into the cultural trap that permeates America: Its not whether we actually care, as long as we give the appearance of caring.

Thanks for reading.

Dos 5/27/09

2010-01-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

Detroit running back Kevin Smith promised the Lions will make the playoffs in 2009: 'I won't make a prediction about how many games we're going to win, but I will say this-we will definitely make the playoffs this season.'
Smith might be on to something because there really is a very fine line between playoff contention and 0-16. Detroit can't be more than 3-4 dozen players away from being a viable Super Bowl caliber team.

Its gotten nearly inevitable to feel sympathy for NBA officials (no, really). When a ref makes a call and the league comes in later and changes his on-court ruling from a Hard Foul 2 to a Flagrant Foul 1 or a Rocky lll or a Leonard Part 6 wouldn't it seem logical for the officials to begin second-guessing themselves at the worst possible moment-during real time game action? Simplifying things would seem simple enough. The old-time refs didn't have to perform an immediate psychological evaluation of the player to decide whether the punch thrown was caused by too much or too little parental attention as a child. Back when dirty was dirty there was an ejection-period. Even the rocket scientists playing and coaching pro basketball would figure that out eventually and discipline the play accordingly. The NBA product, as always, is crap-tastic.

As much as I hate to say the Kronwall hit on Havlat looked borderline enough to question the ejection, with Kronwalls' rep for leaving his feet to make a hit the call tossing him had to be expected. It being a Euro on Euro shot the penalty should have been a double minor for littering at worst though.
Sidenote: Its painful watching Steve Yzerman closing his eyes and looking concerned for the injured player laying prone while Mike Babcock is playing confused and innocent. Betcha can't guess which one has been laid out glassy-eyes on the ice before. You're a disgrace Babcock.
Fact is, if Bettman and the owners had any integrity they'd go about allowing some integrity to work its way back into the on-ice product. Dropping the instigator rule would be a great start. If dirty players like Kronwall knew they'd have to answer the bell for their cheapshots they'd either clean it up or find themselves playing back in Europe-where that style of play is not only tolerated but expected.

Brett Favre is scheduled for an upcoming surgery. Hopefully the lobotomy will take this time.

Thanks for reading.

My apologies to some of you who commented Tuesday. There were computer issues preventing me from responding to your replies. Basically the rodent running the wheel in the back is on his last breath.
The comments were great and very worthy of keeping the dialogue going. I'd be surprised if the steroids/HGH issue doesn't arise again so we'll return to the subject at that time. Thanks again.

MLB Tough Love Summer Vacation Travel Guide

2010-01-12T21:20:00.003-07:00

Manny and Ster-Rod save major league baseball? Wouldn't that make for quite a headline? Is it really possible the two biggest names among the cheats could be the same guys who restore the faith and trust that fans once felt toward major league baseball? Their getting caught provides the inspiration to make it possible....if the fans have any guts.

The comments of Beezer and Harry from a couple of weeks ago wondering about the identities of the List of 104 got me thinking. Do we really need to know those names? Truth is we don't. The fans have the ammunition to force the hands of Commissioner Bud and his merry band of Owner Stooges....but only if we are truly serious about wanting baseball cleaned up.

When the Dodgers and Yankees come to your town, be somewhere else. Take the kids to Yellowstone, your wife or girlfriend to Paris for dinner, paint your basement Edmonton Oilers colors, do ANYTHING but go to a major league baseball game. Those teams will leave soon, and you can return to your normal afternoon bleacher routine. If stadiums stand empty when Dodger Blue and Yankee Pinstripes are present don't you think that even the geniuses who've been ruining baseball and screwing the fans all these years will figure out the common thread: Those teams have the highest profile cheats in major league baseball. Even one of Americas' dumbest and most unethical groups of millionaires can do that math.

The owners don't and won't want that happening to their personal bottom lines. They have shown us often enough that they're pretty good at publicly circling the wagons, but privately there'd be plenty of phone chatter back and forth. If its perfectly crystal clear to them that the only way to bring the fans and their wallets back is to clean up the product they'll do it, even it has to be done in a kicking and screaming fashion. In this case Gordon Gecko is right-greed is good. Fans can use the ample greed of the owners to our advantage. The owners only understand green and the lack of.

Tainted players might be dropped slowly and discreetly, but they'll disappear. We might never know who did or didn't cheat but the roster turnover will give us a general idea of how slimed our favorite team really is/was. If the idea that your favorite team might have cheats on it scares you go ahead and bury your head in the sand. Do nothing further to help fix the issue. Otherwise....

The challenge is yours folks: If you truly want baseball to be clean put your outrage where your wallet is. If the Yankees or Dodgers come to town simply don't go. If you still decide to feed the monster don't whine about anymore.

The choice is yours people. You have the power. Put up or shut up.

Thanks for reading.

Misplaced Anger and Selective Outrage P.2 5/13/09

2010-01-12T21:19:00.000-07:00

You have to know your life is in the dumper when you're arrested for stalking AJ Feeley. An underachieving stalker would seem uncommon, but the very idea still should strike fear into the hearts of backup punters and light-hitting utility infielders everywhere.

Brett Favre has now officially replaced Terrell Owens as the skid mark on the shorts of professional football.

Everything there is to dislike about the tinkering with rules in the NHL is on display in the NBA. There used to be a foul and a technical foul. Now there's the foul, the hard foul 1, hard foul 2, flagrant foul, technical foul, holiday fowl, and above all a foul odor, The NHL enforcement office should consider hiring a couple NASA physicists to explain how an unpenalized hit can warrant a suspension while a penalized action that even a blind man recognizes as dirty goes without additional punishment. The NBA enforcement? Its crap-tastic.

Ovechkin summarizes the European style with the knee-on-knee on his 'friend' Sergei Gonchar. Coupling this with the Brashear hit it appears the Capitols play just dirty enough to be the next team to take a dive in the Finals against the Hockeytown Europe Red Wings.

Mark Cuban was so upset with Kenyon Martins' play that he confronted Kenyon Martins'......MOTHER! Its unclear what sort of neighborhood Cuban grew up in, or for that matter what gender boarding school he attended, but if he were truly that angry he'd have kept his focus squarely on Kenyon Martin. Attacking a mans' family is gutless in itself, but there are still places left in the world where a special sort of 'chat' would be attended on someone who treats a woman so disrespectfully-let alone a guys' Mom.

As long as Congress has seen fit to stick their collective noses into the sporting world all too often the last few years, I'll take this moment to stick my sporting middle finger up Washingtons' collective nose with a simple enough question (hopefully someone out there can provide an answer). In the spirit of 'sacrifice' that is being rammed down the throat of the general public, I'm wondering if anyone can tell me whether any member of Congress, any at all, would consider it a show of solidarity with the masses to refuse the $35,000 raise each and every one of them receives this year?

End of Game 6 scrum Ducks have four players rack up a total of 36 penalty minutes, the Chicken Wings two players for ten. Anyone else still holding on to the belief that there isn't a definite benefit of the doubt reserved for Hockeytown Europe?

Thanks for reading.

Misplaced Anger and Selective Outrage Part 1 5/12/09

2010-01-12T21:16:00.001-07:00

An open letter to Albert Pujols

Dear Mr. Pujols (being a Cards fan may I call you Albert?):

Your request of the media to be asked questions pertaining only to the St. Louis Cardinals is understandable, but you're dead friggin wrong about Manny Ramirez being a 'Dodger problem'. Manny is a baseball problem-players, owners, and, most importantly, the fans. Albert, you make a very nice living playing professional baseball. Have you ever wondered about the source of your income? The name in the corner of your paycheck might not be mine, or that of the hot dog guy in the bleachers, or the guy who directs traffic outside the stadium, but we're the folks who buy the tickets, the programs, the beers and sodas, and the Pujols jerseys that make it possible for the owner to pay you. We live in places like Russell, Kansas and Rapid City, SD and believe it or not Los Angeles. You know Albert, that town where Manny plays. That makes it your problem too.

I do realize that under normal circumstances the commissioner would be expected to manage the league image, but that position has been vacant for nearly seventeen years now. The owners can't be trusted to fix the situation either, since they haven't as yet figured out that they don't even have a coherent mouthpiece or wooden figurehead filling the commissioners' chair. This has to be the dumbest group of millionaires ever assembled. Even the ones in the NBA and NHL look like Mensa members in comparison. That leaves the players to police themselves Albert.

I also understand that being a professional baseball player is a small and select community and that its reflex to close ranks when your collective integrity is in question, but its also in your best interests to keep your individual reputations and good names clean-no pun intended. Weeding out the dirty among you would be a very big start toward restoring the public faith that has slowly eroded among the fan base.

Then again, maybe you're right Albert. You, and for that matter anyone else making a living in major league baseball, shouldn't be responsible for upholding the integrity of the game. You are simply a baseball player. The responsibility should fall on the fans. We are the ones who really control things.

Manny played for the Red Sox and Indians before he got caught with the Dodgers. McGwire played for the A's and Cardinals. Ster-Rod Seattle, Texas, and New York. Was there a team that between them Canseco or Palmeiro DIDN'T play for? Clemens followed the money to Texas to Boston to Canada to New York. The fact is its easy to point and laugh because the cheaters play or played for another fans' team. Its one hell of a lot tougher to look in the mirror and start considering the big picture. One fan walking away isn't going to affect the river of green feeding the baseball monster, but imagine what would happen if the Yankees or Dodgers came to town and Tigers Stadium or Coors Field was half full or (in my perfect fantasy world) completely empty? Think that'd draw some attention?

Truth is, we as fans are as spineless as many of us feel Commissioner Bud is. We bitch and whine about cheaters. We tease the fans of teams with cheaters on their rosters. But we still fall all over ourselves scrambling to get those good seats along the third base line. If the fans were as true to themselves (and each other) as they claim to be, and really gave a damn about abstract concepts like 'the integrity of the game', stadiums and arenas would be sitting half- or completely empty across the landscape of the big four sports. As long as we continue to blindly throw our money into their troughs all leagues will continue to carry that stench of dirty rotten cheaters. Think about that the next time your buddy calls about front row seats to the Lakers game. You can always go play catch with your kid in the backyard.

Sorry Albert, you're right. It isn't your problem. It's mine. It's ours. Thanks for your time.

Food for thought: The list of 104 got much publicity awhile back. Considering some of the latest revelations lets call the number of cheaters in major league baseball roughly 10%. My question to all of you is this-If the manager of your favorite grocery store told you that 10% of the product in his store was tainted would you continue to shop there? Think about it.

That Old Rundown Feeling 5/1/09

2010-01-12T21:13:00.001-07:00

As many times as I've looked the last few days since the Rangers season ended, I have yet to see the name Blair Betts anywhere on any list of tough guys, which should make Donald Brashear that much more of an embarrassment to anyone who ever played the game before. That Brashear might play again this season while Betts recovers from a broken orbitol bone confirms that the NHL needs an immediate Colin-oscopy to determine whether Campbell should join Commissioner Gary in the unemployment line. A common sense punishment would have been an indefinite suspension ending only when Betts is able to play again. Sadly, since the instigator rule remains (the league prefers the more refined and civilized European use of sticks as weapons) we can only hope that someone-ANYONE-will take it upon themselves to put a stick across a Brashear ankle.

Kudos to Paul Mara for confronting Brashear before the coward could hide under the bench.

Thank you Tony Gonzalez for the quality years in the Chiefs uniform. You remained a class act on and off the field even when the team fortunes soured. Best of luck to with the Falcons.

Who the hell is Tyson Jackson?

This week a House subcommittee began hearings on the B(C)S Championship. Fortunately there haven't been any more pressing matters like a national health scare, government planes buzzing ground zero, or troops fighting terrorists in the Middle East to deal with. Are the two major political parties really the best we can come up with in the way of leadership? Right now the only difference between this bunch and the Politburo of some third world country is the looting of the central banks.

The proposed name for the Cowboys brand spanking new stadium is being kept very hush-hush. How about Tarrant County Correctional Facility? Just a thought.

Actual headline: Estranged wife of equipment manager tries to extort money from Rick Pitino. I don't speak Spanish, but this story really is estrange and will likely need further esplaining.

Matthew Stafford 2009 playbook: Drop back five steps and assume the fetal position. Run play three times, head to the sideline to suggest the Lions consider investing in some less offensive offensive linemen.

R.I.P Frank Gansz. Condolences to your family and friends.

Duck Duck 4/21/09

2010-01-12T21:12:00.000-07:00

As I sit watching the hockey capitol of Europe taking a 3-0 lead against Columbus, all sorts of sarcastic thoughts come to mind. Things like congratulating Detroit for tanking the Presidents Trophy and pulling a Duck duck on Anaheim. The inexperienced Blue Jackets make for a much more attractive first round matchup.

Things like should we expect any less from the Red Wings than to take a collective leak on the spirit of competition and fair play? Their talent level is easily equalled by their gutlessness, which is sad. They'd be competitive having to spend half of each game on a power play.

Things like poetic justice would have Columbus pulling the upset, causing Maalox stock prices to rise as our beloved Commissioner Gary tries to find some solace over the loss of
his cherished ace in the hole.

However.........

As the game of hockey flourishes elsewhere, maybe its just the NHL that's the problem. How is an atmosphere created where continued whining and diving is not only condoned, but promoted? Not in juniors. Not in college. Only in the Bettman backyard. Hmmm,

Call me a heretic if you must but maybe, just maybe, two of the greatest point producers in the history of the NHL have also contributed mightily to the destruction of the league. Believe it or not, Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux are responsible for the sham we call the top professional league in the world.

Consider that Bill McCreary (no, not the ref) never saw the light of another day in the NHL after a legal open ice hit on Gretzky back in 1981. Whether an edict from the league office or a group decision by the owners, McCreary was sent to the minors the following day. Whether Gretzky is the all-time best player or not, no one player can ever be bigger than the game. That McCreary got the career equivalent of the Jimmy Hoffa treatment is a disgrace. But, it helped to create the climate of double standard that we see in the game today

Anyone remember former Pens owner Howard Baldwin whining about how his star players were soooo abused? It almost seems embarrassing looking back. Considering their dimensions its hard to figure why Mario Lemieux and Andrea Jaeger, oops, sorry, Jaromir Jagr, couldn't defend themselves. (My sincerest apologies to Ms. Jaeger. I get the former womens tennis star mixed up with Jagr all the time, if only because during his career Jagr showed all the physical toughness of a former womens tennis star.) Rule changes were put into place to protect the leagues' Next Big Thing and voila, suddenly Lemieux is Super Mario. A pair of sham Cup wins followed.

As the NHL product continued to degenerate, more and more rule 'adjustments', expansions, and gimmicks followed. Meanwhile, old-time hockey people earned nicknames like dinosaur for decrying the changes and longing for the days not so long ago when the game played in the NHL could still be called hockey.

Once the doors of lowered- and double-standards are opened they can't be closed. When individual players or teams operate under a different set of rules its a tough turn to bring back disenchanted and distrusting fans. That stuff in the NHL just doesn't look much like hockey anymore. No matter how you cut it Pavel, Datsucks.

Remember, in case of fire Red Wings and children first.

P.S. Can someone notify the Yankees that their new stadium is done? Whose idea was it anyway for them to play their first home stand in Williamsport?

Thanks for reading.

Ode To Prima Donnas:Jay Cutler 4/3/09

2010-01-12T21:11:00.000-07:00

Jay Cutler was recently compared favorably to Jeff George. I never thought I'd ever say this seriously about any QB, but Jay? You're no Jeff George. As it goes you're no Phyllis George.

Jay Cutler was traded to the Bears for two first-round picks, a third-round, and Kyle Orton. Thats about two firsts and a Kyle Orton more than he's worth. At least.

The reputation of Jay Cutler has taken such a hit recently that the Titans now look like geniuses for drafting Vince Young.

Jay? Ya gotta know you've screwed the pooch when even Brett Favre is pointing and laughing.

Once his career is finished Jay Cutlers' lasting contribution to modern football technology will be the prototype pacifier-shaped mouthpiece.

Jay Cutler will singlehandedly make the Bears what they once were. 4-12.

Jay? Jared Allen called. He's missed you, and can't wait to get reacquainted. Maybe Denver wasn't so bad eh?

Feel free to add your own.

Clearing the Post-Its Again 3/24/09

2010-01-12T21:09:00.000-07:00

The slippery slope of 'its overblown, its not that bad, its what the game needs' seems to have been crossed now that Alexander Ovechkin has found his dancing skates. Truth is his little show isn't good for hockey and it should be nipped in the bud before it gets legs-no pun intended. No excuses about penalizing one of the games bigger stars apply. No player is, or should be, bigger than the game. The game of hockey can and would sell itself with even half-decent leadership and marketing. That's just how it is. Instead of adding more and more modifications to the rulebook or mind numbing sideshow distractions how about scaling back? Hockey survived for a long time by allowing the players some leeway to police themselves. Dignity, honor, and humility shouldn't be sacrificed for the sake of the almighty TV contract. Hockey appears to be at a crossroads. Will the NHL take the high road and prove to the world what some of us already know-that the game of hockey holds to a higher standard? Or, will it pander to the high-maintenance short-term memory fan who needs a continuous diet of newer bigger shinier objects to hold their attention?
Then again, I could be wrong. Look how well selling out to the lowest common denominator has worked for the NFL and NBA.......

I don't watch much basketball anymore, but the college playoffs did grab some of my attention over the weekend. Can anyone explain to me why Tyler Hansbrough flops around so much, or if he's in pain from some sort of severe gas attack? It sure seems that way on every close-up of him whining to the officials. If the NBA doesn't pan out he'd fit in well playing for the Red Wings.

The World Baseball deal is over. About all I caught of it was Adam Dunn striking out. More will have to be done to attract the casual fan to this tournament, since we can see the same thing 200 or so times during the regular baseball season.

Minnesota Wild fans need to begin taking stock of themselves. The same folks who took a 'much bigger' Sheldon Souray to task for picking on poor Craig Weller awhile back displayed a disturbing glee recently in watching Avs forward Cody McCormick being ragdolled by 6-foot-8 John Scott (note to readers: few arguments are more effective than 'but, thats different'). Having it both ways doesn't work any better in a hockey arena than it does in the real world folks. Its almost embarrassing to watch a good hockey state being represented by a fan base steeped in ignorance and hypocrisy. Upgrading their broadcast team couldn't do anything but help. Two mimes would be a marked improvement over Greenlay and Gorg.

Why Duke won't go much further in the NCAA tournament in two words or less: Greg and Paulus.

There isn't much more to say about Donte Stallworth than has already been said. Its time for the NFL to officially give him the permanent boot so he can finally be adopted by the Kennedys.

Is Barack Obama running the country or working for ESPN? Or maybe the question is whether ESPN is still a (pseudo) sports network or have they tanked as much as the regular news media? The President does seem a bit more coherent than Dickie V or Woody Paige though. Somewhere in there is a compliment, albeit a backhanded one.

The Jets search for a starting QB for the 2009 season is finally over with the news that Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling has announced his retirement from baseball. If he doesn't pan out tennis great Kim Clijsters is said to be considering a return. As long as that guy from down south stays away. Anything but that again.

Big 4: State of the Onion 3/5/09

2010-01-12T21:08:00.001-07:00

How our games have changed over the years, debatably whether for the better. Dancing football players, non-fighting hockey players, basketball players who're so athetically gifted they're better at bodybuilding than the actual playing of basketball, and baseball players who're twice as big as the last generation hitting home runs in parks that're half as big as those of the previous generation. Can the upside-down turning of our games be corrected? Hard to say, but here are some ideas to consider....

MLB-Bud Selig (in the future only to be referred to here as Commissioner BS) and the owners sold their souls and the integrity of the game fifteen years ago. Plenty of blame is out there to be shared by both players and owners, and they should feel the sting equally. Until the 2019 season the highest ticket seats will sell for $19.94, with all cheaper seats to be adjusted accordingly downward. Since it seems the only way to get the attention of the owners and the 'man' they chose to ru(i)n baseball is through their pocketbooks, maybe this would be enough of a kick in the wallet.
The players? Ah yes, the players. They get a reverse Jackie Robinson-type distinction. All players will be issued uniform #94 with specially designed patches. Players who have served suspensions for steroid/HGH usage will wear a scarlet lettered 'DF' patch, with the remaining players proudly sporting a 'BS' logo to loudly call attention to their silence and thus tacit approval of the cheating that was going on under their noses. That those initials might have meanings other than 'Donald Fehr' and 'Bud Selig' are simply products of your overactive imaginations.
Congratulations Commissioner BS, you've cemented your legacy as the 'man' who put the BS in baseball. Shame on all of you.
SIDENOTE: Lets stop any more talk of a suspension for SteRod. Being saddled with Madonna is more than punishment enough.

NHL-A much easier and quicker fix to be had:
1. Fire Gary Bettman and hire ANYONE else.
2. Drop the instigator rule. This point can't be stressed enough.
3. If the West Stockholm Red Wings continue to be allowed to play half of each game on the power play, then they play the entire playoffs shorthanded.
SIDENOTE: Also, after every Wings goal scored the PA guy will be required to play a cut from Diver Down.

NFL-No Fun League? The fun is in the playing of the game, not the look-at-me crap. This is football, not daycare. Roger Goodell is doing a decent job overall, but if the league is serious about limiting the choreographed 'spontaneous celebrating' they should put some real teeth into the punishments. The fines are a joke. How about a tiered system: first offense-ejection and four game suspension without pay, second offense-ejection and eight game suspension w/o pay, third offense-ejection and one calender year suspension w/o pay. After the third strike its a lifetime ban. The game survived without onfield dancing for decades before, it'd survive again too.
SIDENOTE: Another city-wide hostage crisis was averted when Brett Favre retired quickly (for him) after the season. He'll work for ESPN, but the 49ers, Lions, and Bills will stay interested anyway. The guy is like a bad rash that just won't go away completely.

NBA-This might be the closest to a lost cause. Commissioner Sterno dawdled while the league burned-its not just the smoke coming from Rasheed's locker this time either Dave. More realistic fundamental basketball is being played in the WNBA.
SIDENOTE: I've never liked the feeling out there in segments of the public that the purchase of a ticket to a sporting event empowers the fan with a right to do and say anything without sanction. You've bought a pass to watch a sporting event, not a license to act like a jackass. However, with all of the chest-thumping butt-bumping head-stomping classlessness exhibited by the players should we really expect any better conduct from the folks watching?

Plain Brown Wrapper 11/6/08

2010-01-12T21:07:00.000-07:00

Day 2783 of the Al Davis Senility Watch: The Raiders recently release DB DeAngelo Hall, eight games into a seven year $70 million contract. At the press conference announcing the decision the Man In Black was quoted 'He's not the Asante Samuel I hired. Now where the heck is Lane with my latte and slippers?'

The father of an Ohio State receiver says the university is 'intentionally trying to ruin his son's career' by suspending the athlete for missing class. I'm not sure what 'career' the guy is talking about but if his kid can't even make it to a course on basketweaving the pros aren't exactly going to be beating down his door expecting he'll show more interest in learning football on a more advanced level.

Barry Bonds lawyers appealed to the judge overseeing his perjury trial to throw out the bulk of the case, saying that some of the questions that were asked in the grand jury portion were 'ambiguous', which apparently is now a synonym for 'exposing guilt'.

Tennessee rookie running back Chris Johnson has been such a pleasant surprise this season that its rumored his teammates have nicknamed him Dos Ocho.

The Cubs are one of the teams on the short list interested in acquiring Padres pitcher Jake Peavy, who'd be a perfect fit since he's regularly on the DL at least once a season. The Cubs have lacked that roster presence since the Mark Prior years. Ahh the memories.

Is a realignment in the works for the NFL? Considering the shifting balance of power week-to-week and the overall softness in a couple of the divisions maybe its not such a bad idea . Two quick moves to stengthen the leagues would be to move Oklahoma and USC into the AFC and NFC West, respectively.

Texans Head Coach Gary Kubiak complains that the Jared Allen hit on the knee of Matt Schaub was dirty. Let's play the six degrees of Gary Kubiak-Texans Coach, Denver assistant coach, Broncos QB, Broncos offensive line, teaching the art of the cut block, you'd know dirty from firsthand experience. Might be time to zip it Coach

On Your Dime 11/2/08

2010-01-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

Congrats to the Phillies for winning the Series, and a personal thank you for finishing it before Commissioner Bud moved the rest of the Series games to Wrigley Field North in Milwaukee. You know, only because of the rain. There's no conflicts of interest at all. The reign of Bud Selig is all about the integrity of the game. Or at the very least the lack of from the top down.

Shouldn't a touchdown be overturned if the sideline plane is broken before the goal line plane?

The new Cowboys stadium ia said to having seating for 100,000. Just over 60,000 if Jerry Jones and his ego are in attendance.

With the new accusations and suspicions of banned substance usage maybe its time once again to realign and rename the conferences, making them the Artificial Football Conference and Natural Football Conference.

Hey Gary Bettman, how about no more of those silly games in Europe? The West Stockholm Red Wings already have 41 home games.

Kudos to Al Davis for his recent tribute to Gene Upshaw. As much flak as the Man in Black gets here he'll get equal amounts of credit when its due. The Man in Blue wannabe in Dallas still has much to learn.

Until there's a playoff system in place the defending national champion is Appalachian State. Arbitrarily choosing two teams to play for a mythical national championship is just that-a myth.

Loved the Clinton Portis line after the Rams debacle about Jim Zorn being too easy on the players. Correct me if I'm wrong but Jim Zorn hasn't suited up in around 25 years. Maybe the players were a bit overconfident and blew it themselves? Tinactin won't cure his foot-in-mouth disease.

Marion Jones says she'd have won the golds without taking steroids. Isn't that special? If the public were to forgive you would you please consider just going away?

Plaxico Burress claims not to be a 'distraction' to the Giants. Hey Plax, guess what? At some point a teammate should point out that the team is winning DESPITE you. Anyone else see Burress getting the Shockey treatment after the season?

Special thanks to the Lions for signing Daunte Culpepper to a two-year deal and making those Culpepper/Chiefs rumors disappear. Culpepper in a Kansas City uniform would only take a miserable season down to cartoonish vaudeville status. Watching the Chiefs this season there have been many times I've expected Benny Hill to appear chasing a half-dressed nurse around the field.

There is a newly certified bowl game beginning this season called the 'Congressional Bowl'.
The basic premise is two teams bickering and nitpicking each other apart, while accomplishing nothing, for four fifteen-minute quarters, climaxing with another victory for our elected 'leadership' over the American people. And yet we continue to fall for it. Yes Senator Reid, we'll all pull your finger.

Cynicism 10/22/08

2010-01-12T21:04:00.000-07:00

First: Benefit of the doubt. Possibly a misunderstanding. Make recommendations.
Second: Something isn't quite right. Suggest counseling. Consider suspension.
Third: Address the issue directly and forcefully. Mandatory suspension.
Fourth: Termination.

Congrats to Chiefs Coach Herm Edwards for doing the right thing and 'deactivating' Larry Johnson for the game against the Jets. Equal congrats go out to Johnson for identifying that he may have issues in his life that need addressing. However.....

The Numerous Felonies League fell into a bad habit during the Paul Tagliabue years. Getting Commissioner Paul to do the right thing akin to pulling teeth. So far Roger Goodell is showing some backbone dealing with the problem of players with multiple criminal offenses. I get the impression that Goodell would prefer the teams deal with these issues internally and inserts his authority as a last resort. His is a tough position. The previous 'leadership' allowed the anything goes mentality to take hold and run unchecked for too long. Expecting Kansas City GM Carl Peterson to do the right thing, or anything, of his own accord.....maybe its best to save my feelings about the job performance of Peterson for a later writing.

Doesn't it stretch the imagination just a little bit that it has taken four incidents in five years for Johnson/Chiefs management to figure out that there might be a problem? Granted Johnson's actions haven't quite risen to Pacmanesque proportions (yet), or are anything similar to the Manny Ramirez altercation-something that could be swept under the rug and dealt with as an internal team issue. I recall news of the first Johnson incident years back, but I honestly don't remember hearing anything about the second or third. Of course, two and three could be chalked up as irrelevant since they happened when Johnson was in the midst of his best years.

Star status equals PR currency. 'Let's not deal with this right now. Larry Johnson is at the top of his marketability.' Now that #4 has happened and the luster on his star has ebbed a bit Johnson can be dealt with. Pathetic. Maybe the league or Chiefs management expected KC fans to revolt if the star running back was suspended while at the top of his game. Equally pathetic and downright insulting. Larry Johnson needed a wake-up call back then and his phone should have rang. As has been said before doing the right thing shouldn't have to be forced. How does the old saying go? True character is shown by our conduct when no one is watching?

If this is the best Chiefs fans can expect from team management go ahead and sell to Jerry Jones. At least then we'll know to be prepared for the lowest common denominator.

Thanks for reading.

Create A Monster Starter Kit 10/16/08

2010-01-12T21:03:00.000-07:00

The old joke about the fights and a hockey game came to mind recently. I went to the sports section and a police blotter broke out. I wonder how the rebellious and rowdy Oakland Raiders of years ago would fit in? Likely pretty tame compared to what appears to pass as acceptable conduct on the 2008 sports landscape.

Adam Jones is an easy target. Anyone who didn't see the stripes on that tiger would fall into two categories: literally blind or blind with delusions of Cowboy grandeur. Now that the bloom is off his Texas Rose does he revert back to 'Pacman' status? His is the big story in the continuing saga of sports figures fallng from grace, but not the only one.

Sending a message to an athlete who pushes the envelope in his/her activities outside of the stadiums can be a tricky thing. Compare and contrast three recent events: The owner of the Golden State Warriors chose to suspend star player Monta Ellis without pay for lying about the details of his recent ankle injury, but not before the coach and player operations VP both publicly voiced concerns that the suspension was too harsh and might alienate the athlete. The Kansas City Chiefs suspended running back Larry Johnson for their upcoming game against the Tennessee Titans after his recent assault charge, but this is the third allegation against Johnson since joining the team in 2003. Roger Goodell finally did the right thing and suspended Adam Jones for at least four games, but not before Dallas owner Jerry Jones showed how soft his spine is by choosing to pass the buck in the matter. Why does doing the right thing take so long or have to come with qualifications?

Inconsistencies abound in the meting out of punishment not only from league to league but team to team. Sadly enough the respective commissioners and team owners more often than not bury their heads in the sand. Confronting bad behavior shouldn't be so difficult. Do multimillionaire businessmen have an internal dumbing switch that gets thrown when they purchase a professional sports franchise? I'd be willing to bet my modest bank accounts that the conduct that earns the athlete a pass is strictly forbidden in the real-world employee handbooks at the owners' other companies and corporations.

The words of a retired NFLer come to mind. When asked in an interview a few years ago if players of 30-40 years ago could compete with the players of today, he said the only difference that he'd noticed from then to now is the undisciplined nature of the modern players. I believe his exact quote was 'We had as many good players as they do now, maybe even more. The difference between then and now is many outstanding football players in my era never played in the NFL because they just weren't very good people.' My how times have changed.

Thanks for reading

Police Blotter 10/7/08

2010-01-12T21:02:00.000-07:00

Search parties, Missing Person APBs, and BOLO's all across the southeast have been cancelled tonight with the news that the Orlando Magic have picked up the option on J.J. Redick. I'm still not convinced Redick isn't a distant relative of Houdini or D.B. Cooper.

Bengals linebacker Darryl Blackstock has been suspended four games for violating PED policy. No word on whether the team will impose any further sanctions, but the Cincinnattica front office has league blessing to insert a personal conduct improvement clause into Blackstock's contract that will require carrying an unregistered firearm and/or public intoxication.

In related news, Cedric Benson recently signed with the Marvin Lewis Minimum Security Correctional Facility. Though this might seem a puzzling signing on the surface, a closer look reveals a new cutting edge football philosophy. Benson doesn't really upgrade the ground attack, and never really stood out as an asset in the passing game, but he does singlehandedly make the Bengals the NFL's top threat for a nautically based offensive assault.

David Stern responded to a report on NBA referees Thursday by vowing to build the "most effective possible system" to monitor illegal gambling and preserve the game's integrity. If Commissioner Dave were really that concerned about appearances, integrity, and public opinion he'd have resigned years ago.

Travis Henry was recently caught in a DEA sting operation. If found guilty of all charges Henry could be facing life in prison, or a four year contract with the Bengals.

The entire University of Wisconsin band has been suspended for 'widespread debauchery'. No further details were revealed, but mental health hotlines in the Madison area did field multiple calls from traumatized tuba players. Don't ask.

In the wake of the 34-0 drubbing at the hands of the Carolina Panthers, Raiders owner Al Davis fired Chiefs coach Herm Edwards. Turns out Herm wasn't the coach he hired either.

O.J. guilty on all counts. Poor Nordberg. Now lets go get a bite to eat.

Seasons Change 9/30/08

2010-01-12T21:01:00.000-07:00

St. Louis defenseman Erik Johnson tore his ACL and MCL recently in a freak golf cart mishap. Normally hockey players hit the courses after their playoff season ends. Does this mean the Blues were mathematically eliminated before the season even started?

Its already week five of the NFL season and, believe it or not, Plaxico Burress hasn't been listed on any official injury reports. I guess that explains his recent suspension. In a normal season he's already had two weekends off by the fifth game.

Golden State Warriors guard Monta Ellis injured an ankle in what has been described as a 'low speed mo-ped' accident. It sounds plausible enough. Its not like he's trying to make us believe he tripped over his dog or stumbled carrying groceries or something really far-fetched. I'll completely buy his excuse if he shows up at training camp with horn-rimmed glasses and a pocket protector.

Day 2746 of the Al Davis Senility Watch: The Raiders fired Lane Kiffin today 'for cause'. Owner Al Davis claimed that Kiffin was sabotaging the team and that Kiffin had lied about his interactions with Davis. Its hard to accept the reasoning of Davis considering Kiffin isn't even the coach he hired in the first place.

Tigers outfielder Gary Sheffield talked tough after the recent brawl between his team and the Indians, warning that if there's a next time he won't take it so easy on the Cleveland players. Hey Gary, how bout some basic fighting advice: Leading with your face isn't a winning strategy.

Right or wrong I'm still not sold on the Cowboys being the best team in the league, Marion Barber and Jason Witten do remind me of the Aikman/Smith years but something is missing. Wade Phillips seems a nice guy, but he has a tendency to make a team with 13-3 talent into one with 9-10 wins. This collection of players just doesn't have the look of a Super Bowl champion. Go ahead and call me romophobic if you want. It still won't change my mind.

Lance Armstrong is coming out of retirement. Since you're likely out of competitive shape, and because off the top of my head I can name four or five guys from my old neighborhood who could beat you in a race, don't hesitate to ask for advice Lance. I'll do anything I can to assist you in your comeback-short of changing my name to Quatro Murpho and trying out for the Cincinnattica Bengals. Best of luck to you.

A point to consider: Is it possible that one of the unintended consequences of the instant replay system is an erosion in the quality of officiating? Getting the call right seems to have been replaced by a mindset of 'get it close, fix it later'. Either allow everything to be reviewed or trash the system completely. How did the NFL ever survive all those years without invisible planes?

Anyone up for a new statistical category for the NFL? Minutes per game of TV time for the officiating crew. I get the impression a few of them are more interested in getting their faces on camera than in working the games.

As long as we're on the subject, give Mike Carey a raise. Fire the rest.

Thanks for reading.

Howling Hank Tribute 9/25/08

2010-01-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

Baseball is broken. Hank Steinbrenner says so, and I'm inclined to agree. How can it be that the Yankees are ineligible for the playoffs after only finishing third in their division? Unacceptable! This just can't be allowed to happen again. Something is badly wrong in Major League Baseball. The Yankees aren't in the playoffs! Tomorrow there might be a headline reading 'Hank Steinbrenner throws tantrum in grocery store after parents refuse to buy Fruity Pebbles, embarrassed Mom drags him kicking and screaming to car'. Stop laughing People! This is serious stuff!

Okay, I see I'm the only one concerned for the mental health of Hank Steinbrenner. I'll take it upon myself to ease his mind. Hope these ideas will cure what ails ya Hank.

1. Starting next season the Yankees get three bases for any ground rule double.

2. The playoffs will be expanded to include a double secret probation entry. This team will be randomly chosen, with the only criteria being that they play their home games in a park that rhymes with 'cranky radium'.

3. Teams that overspent on Carl Pavano automatically make the playoffs.

4. If the Yankees are behind after 3 innings their opponent loses an infielder, after 5 innings an outfielder. If the Yankees are still behind after the 6th the other teams' pitchers have to throw opposite handed.

5. The Yankees get to play all of their interleague games against the Burlington Bees.

6. The Cubs play all of their road games in Milwaukee.

7. The best players on the Pirates, Marlins, A's, and Mariners will become 'honorary' Yankees. Participation is mandatory.

8. Bootleg tapes of Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem will be piped into the opponents dugout until such time as the Yankees gain the lead or the other team forfeits.

9. Any player who's willing to throw away his marriage to date a sleazy has-been pop singer starts every at-bat with a 2-0 count.

And finally...

10. Teams with a payroll over $200 million automatically get home field advantage throughout the playoffs.

Next up: My thoughts on how the image of the NBA can be fixed, er, corrected. Sorry Commissioner Dave.

Pull My Finger 9/17/08

2010-01-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

The Jets officially named Brett Favre one of the team captains a few days before their opener against Miami. Before the game Favre admitted he was honored to be chosen, but shortly after a week two loss to New England Favre denied ever saying he was honored. Expect him to announce sometime this week that he'll wait until after the season to reveal whether he's honored or not.

In his feature film debut Ocho Johnson will play the title role in a remake of the film classic Sybil. Cinco Chad will star as a professional athlete with as many different names as endzone dances. The movie centers around the trials and tribulations of Bengals #85 trying to figure out if any of his personalities can swim faster than Michael Phelps.

In a sad day for Nascar, driver Ron Hornaday admitted to taking HGH and steroids. The racing association chose not to punish Hornaday, but did ask that the public refrain from telling Hornaday that he's supposed to be putting the additives in the CAR.

Shaquille O'Neal announced recently that he'll retire when his current contract is up in 730 or so days. Shaq stated unequivocally that there would be no talk of comebacks once he hangs them up, and to prove his seriousness he took out restraining orders against Roger Clemens and Brett Favre.

No team that has half its roster stocked with Europeans can rightfully call itself Hockeytown USA. Warroad, MN once again has reclaimed the crown. Here's hope that some honor can finally be restored to the title.

Derek Jeter was quoted after the Yanks recently split with the Rays: We can't lose again. Ya think there Captain Obvious? Maybe if the team had held that sense of urgency for the first four months of the season.....nah, any team that is still clinging to the hope that Carl Pavano is a viable pitching option needs some huge reworking.

The Cubs got a huge break when the remainder of their series with the Astros was moved to the north Chicago suburb of Milwaukee, but it was total overkill when Tim Donaghy stepped behind the plate to call balls and strikes.

Day 2731 of the Al Davis senility watch: Addressing the job security of current Raiders head coach Lane Kiffin the man in black stated 'He's not the guy I hired'. Al? Buddy? He actually is. Davis continued 'and another thing, we need to get Biletnikoff more touches too'.

The Vikes and Chargers have definite beefs with the officiating during NFL week 2. If I'm an NFL player and I see Ed 'Hollywood' Hochuli readying to toss the coin I cringe. Roger Goodell should just cut to the chase and steal a page from Dodgeball. Instead of replay a panel of four randomly selected ESPN talking heads will team with an equally random Nike executive to give thumbs up or down after every play.

I'm still coming to terms with the reactions to DeSean Jacksons' catch against the Cowboys. Whats the big deal? Breaking the two-yard line plane has to count for something. Doesn't it?

I'm not sure whether the comments of Josh Howard concerning the National Anthem bother me nearly as much as the minimalist reaction of Mark Cuban. Cubans' mild response is about what has become not only expected, but oddly acceptable, from someone who has become a multi-multi millionaire in the very country he disparages so easily. C'mon Mark, this country ain't so bad. Bet you'd have done just as well for yourself in some other country, say like Myanmar. I'm sure they could more than accommodate your brand of outspokenness with an equally proportional dose of good old-fashioned 'hospitality'.

Thanks for reading.

Unintended Consequences 9/7/08

2010-01-12T20:58:00.000-07:00

My boss pulled me aside the other day and told me that I was about 90% positive for a new position in the company. Better hours, better pay, the whole nine yards. The other guy in the running has been there for years so needless to say I was excited. I ran out of the conference room, and though I didn't think it was that great a commotion, from what I've been told it was quite a scene. I was high-fiving people all the way down the hall, whooping and carrying on like I'd won the lottery, and hugging everyone I came in contact with. I think the guy I was up against for the new job was there too. I don't really remember because I was so caught up in the moment. The rest of my shift was like Christmas and Mardi Gras all in one. Right up until it was time to clock out.

My supervisor, his supervisor, and many of the other department heads called me into the very same conference room where I'd had my spirits taken to the heavens to tell me that my promotion was being given to the other guy. I was crushed. I asked how they could do this to me, and in reply was told that my celebration that morning was over the line. Even though there is nothing in the employee handbook addressing my alleged 'disruptive behavior' they were concerned that every time I received good or bad news the entire workplace would be disturbed, and that the company couldn't afford the lost productivity coming from continued outbursts. Everyone I've told about this has taken the side of my bosses. I don't really see why either. Its not like anyone got hurt. I was just excited and wanted everyone to know it. Why won't anyone see my point of view? I'm the victim here. The reactions of people are very surprising to me considering..(and now that I have your attention)...

Those very same folks can be so outraged over the ending of the Washington Huskies-BYU Cougars game. How can that flag be thrown? Jake Locker never taunted anyone. He was only caught up in the moment. He was only celebrating that he'd scored and his team might still have a chance to win. He wasn't thinking about the possibility that a flag might be thrown penalizing him and his team, or that the extra distance might take his team out of range for a two-point attempt to win the game outright. For that matter that the extra distance raises the margin for error on that chip shot extra point. Basically, he just wasn't disciplined enough to think even two seconds into the future about unintended consequences.

Excuses are made, fingers are pointed. 'Its a bad rule', 'why can't players have fun?', 'he didn't mean to taunt anyone', 'the refs shouldn't be allowed to decide the game like that'. All of those comments puzzle me. How did any of the games survive all those years without 'fun'? How did we know that guys like Ernie Banks and Bill Russell and Mickey Mantle and even big bad Deacon Jones and Mean Joe Greene were 'having fun'? In those old highlight reels they're seen smiling and looking like they were having the time of their lives. I wonder how it is that they were never penalized for excessive celebrations? Did they have some sort of secret handshake? Were they all members of an ultra-secret society of professional athletes who were privy to some highly confidential inside information? Hmmm, there might be something to that.

Maybe it has something to do with the 'team' and the absolute need to do anything and everything in their power to help the team toward the goal of winning and the need NOT to do anything to jeopardize that cause. Maybe it has to do with selflessness and knowing that glory would find them through personal hard work and overall team success. The old timers had the self-confidence to conduct themselves in a dignified manner on the field. They knew that that would reflect back on them off the field as well. They didn't need to do The Macarena during the game for fans to notice them. We just did, because their excellence was self-evident.

I'm reminded of a comment an older relative made to me years ago. She told me that she enjoyed coming to my games because we were all having so much fun. I asked her how she knew that and she said 'I could just tell'. There wasn't any need for me or any of my teammates to pump our fists, bump our chests, or do any of those superfluous things to call attention to the fact that we were playing. We knew. The crowd knew. That was enough.

We can debate forever the need of a penalty for excessive celebration, but the fact is the rule is there, and there for a reason. Self-control isn't that difficult a thing. All it takes is a split-second to consider the ramifications of our words/actions on the world beyond the tips of our noses. We ask, or better yet demand, discipline from our kids. How do we in good faith watch a game with them and justify the behavior we see as NOT the responsibility of the individuals acting out those very behaviors we discourage from our children? Think about that a moment.

The handshakes and high fives that used to happen on the bench or sidelines and in the dugouts while the games continued were allowed to spill over onto the field of play, and the stakes grew and grew as players attempted to one-up each other in the outrageousness department. The fact is too many players took too many liberties for too long performing choreographed celebrations and passed them off as 'having fun'. Not only did we accept it, but we condoned it.

Jake Locker and the Washington Huskies are simply reaping what all of us have sown.

Labor Day Pains 0/1/08

2010-01-12T20:56:00.000-07:00

So Tom Brady has an injury issue. Big deal. It may as well be considered a fifth preseason game having the 4-12 Chiefs to begin the season, at home no less. New England could put Kyle Brady out there at QB against the vaunted Kansas City defense. Heck, for that matter Marcia Brady. It'd still be a two touchdown spread.

USC crushes Virginia to open the season. The rash of jock itch reports held no lingering effects. No pun intended.

Cliff Lee should be a lock for AL Cy Young, but if Brandon Webb has any competition for the NL award it should be Dave Duncan, pitching coach for the Cardinals. Tell me during Spring Training with a straight face that the St. Louis pitching staff would have performed as they have and I'd have recommended a psychological evaluation.

My only lasting memory of the 2008 Summer Olympics is the strategic marketing campaign of womens beach volleyball. Male attention naturally gravitates to women. I think an American team won, but I'm positive of Kerri Walsh and Speedo.

Vikes fans are really going to like Jared Allen. I hope he has beaten his demons and can do for the Minnesota defense what he did for the Chiefs. Best of luck to you, and thanks for keeping last season interesting.

Let's get creative about Olympic cheating. If the Chinese gymnasts were truly so far underaged, how about penalizing China by making them field a team equally geriatric for 2012? Geezer uneven bars. I'd buy that ticket.

Rex Grossman. Kyle Orton. The Bears backfield is so bad they can't even direct snap to the halfback now that Thomas Jones has left. Steal a page from the Chiefs playbook and try punting on first down.

The American women lost the gold to Japan, in perfect sync with the announcement that womens softball would be eliminated as an event because the US was too dominant, I'm not sure why this makes me think of Sheriff Andy requiring Barney carry the bullet in his shirt pocket, but it does.

I'm not sure what is going on in Cincinnatica anymore now that Rudi Johnson has been released. The guy quietly did his job with no off-field issues. The fumbling and bumbling going on in the Bengals front office nearly qualifies as Carl Petersonesque. Maybe the plan was to bring in Travis Henry. Ooooooooooooooops!

Actual college football headline 'Kentucky dominates with defense'. I bet those words haven't been put together to describe Wildcats football since the Art Still days.

Andy Roddick is surprisingly still in contention at the US Open. When his career is finally done he'll be known as the Paris Hilton of tennis.

The Knicks have traded for Patrick Ewing Jr. One small step closer to respectability. Considering the sorry state of basketball in New York the other steps may need to be Willis Reed III, Walt Frazier IV, and Dave DeBusschere V.

Frito Lay stock has jumped fifteen points with the announcement that the Dolphins have signed Ricky Williams to a one year extension. Dude! You gonna eat those nachos?

Condolences to the families of Frank Cornish and Kevin Duckworth.

One Timers 8/17/08

2010-01-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

Some suggestions, predictions, and general thoughts to kick off the week. I'm looking forward to hearing your feedback....

IRL should take a page from the Nascar book and offer two series: One regular race for everyone, and one for Danica Patrick alone. That way she can't throw any hissy fits or offer any lame excuses when she still finishes sixth.

I'd like to see Aaron Rodgers throw for about thirty TDs this season. Not at all because I'm a Green Bay fan, but because after being run through the wringer the past few months it'd only seem fitting.

Kevin Boss won't make Giants fans forget Jeremy Shockey, but they'll definitely enjoy the peace and quiet. Boss will put up comparable numbers to those of Shockey as well.

I was nearly dead-on with a Jeremy Shockey prediction almost a year ago so I'll offer up another-14 games played, 8+ TD catches this season and all is quiet in New Orleans. The Shockey drama will begin again early in the 09-10 season and he'll be moving even farther west shortly after, if he even keeps a job in the NFL.

Rasheed and Ron Artest should consider suspending David Stern. Maybe all their complaining about the officiating wasn't so far off target eh?

Commissioner Dave? Even Gary Bettman giggles now when your name is mentioned in conversation. That's the true definition of an image problem.

Speaking of David Stern, there's a rumor that the NBA is quietly negotiating with Iran concerning a prospect who stands 7-2. I'm sure he's a great player, but considering the current relationship between our countries is this a smart move? What is it about Stern that makes him arrogant enough to think people will give him yet another pass? Hasn't he already done enough damage to the reputation of the league during his reign without this?

The Chiefs have their top picks signed and it isn't even October. If this keeps up Kansas City GM Carl Peterson should begin being concerned that fans might just start entertaining thoughts about things like 'hope' and 'expectations'.

Mark-verb, To identify or designate. Prior-adjective, Earlier in time, retroactive. No word on whether Mark Priors' middle name is a synonym for disabled list, but it does make me wonder how the Cubs fortunes would have been different if only their scouting department had had access to a dictionary years ago.

In the same vein, I wonder if Kerry Wood has ever considered changing his spelling to Would. His name doesn't often get mentioned without the letters DL nearby, so why not just cut to the chase and make it official.

I don't like cheering against anyone, but part of me would like to see Brett Favre endure a 30-INT, 60-sack season. Or, at the very least, develop a mild case of carpal tunnel on the sidelines as the Jets clipboard jockey, er, backup QB.

How come no one has asked Kellen Clemons if he thinks there should be a quarterback competition in New York? Sure its farfetched, but so is the idea of a football player holding a city hostage for three years trying to decide whether he should retire or not....and then changing his mind anyway.

The New Jersey Devils will once again have a good season record, but they'll do nothing more as long as the tough guy on the team is their goalie. In the days of Stevens, Daneyko, McKay, Peluso et al no one would have considered doing the Safety Dance in the goal crease-let alone in a playoff game.

ESPN will soon run out of things to hype. By the end of the current season Mike Greenberg will be heard proclaiming a routine double play ball to Jeter as 'The greatest......two-hopper to short.....arguably.....of all time!' Is the fact that he does those long dramatic pauses a sign that even he is starting to realize how ridiculous his declarations are sounding?

Thanks for reading and any feedback yea or nay. Kick back, stay awhile, and check out the contributions of the fine writers here for more entertaining reading.

Have a great week-unless you have other plans.

Program Guide 8/13/08

2010-01-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

Here is your Ex-Packers Signalcaller Network (EPSN) Friday schedule:

9:00 AM Cold Pizza-Relationship expert Dawn Yanek tells us the chances of Alex Rodriguez and Madonna sustaining a long term relationship now that Brett Favre is the Jets new quarterback.

10:00 AM The Pulse-PGA Champion Padraig Harrington of Ireland is interviewed by Linda Cohn and answers the question 'Do you know if Brett Favre has ever been to Dublin?'

11:00 AM Outside The Lines-Kobe Bryant admits he'd play in Italy for $50 million. Bob Ley explores whether Brett Favre could make even more money playing basketball there.

Noon Nascar Countdown-Mike Greenberg asks Sprint Cup points leader Kyle Busch what kind of vehicle he thinks Brett Favre might drive.

1:00 PM EPSN News Day-With the race for number one tightening up on the mens tennis circuit between Spains' Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer of Switzerland, Ed Werder reports from the Mississippi State Bureau of Records on whether Brett Favre might be of Spanish or Swiss heritage.

2:00 PM The Hot List-John Buccigross examines what effect the Brett Favre trade to the Jets might have on the Islanders search for a new head coach. In the second half hour Buccigross asks US Hockey Hall of Fame inductee Mike Richter if he knows whether Brett Favre can ice skate.

3:00 PM Around The Horn-The intrepid/insipid panel of ATH reporters debate whether Wisconsin football fans would demand that Erin Andrews be replaced by Brett Favre if she gets off to a slow start with her Monday Night Football sideline reporting duties.

4:00 PM Pardon The Interruption-Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon ponder whether the US Olympic basketball team would be more dominant if Brett Favre had been named to the team. Kornheiser wonders out loud what kind of movies Brett Favre likes to watch.

5:00 PM EPSN 360-Steve Levy interviews a New York City cabbie who got a football autographed by a guy at La Guardia who looked like Brett Favre. The signed ball reads 'Warmest regards. William Shatner''

Thanks for reading.

The ADD Society 8/10/08

2010-01-12T20:47:00.000-07:00

Have we as a society grown so self-absorbed and insecure that we've lost the ability to appreciate a special sporting moment for what it is? Is the luster of the moment diminished in the rush to place that buzzer-beater, shorthanded breakaway, or walk-off home run in historical context? Must the 'legacy' be determined before the athlete is retired, or before the game is even over?

Picture Franco Harris grabbing the football off his shoestrings and rumbling for a touchdown against the Raiders, Willie Mays running full speed and making that over the shoulder catch in the World Series, or Michael Jordan launching that jumper over Craig Ehlo. Heck, picture your mother making you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when you were a kid. I'd be willing to bet the last thing on their minds would have been how they rated against all the previous great plays and lunches that came before them. Their concerns were about winning games and being good Moms. Historical events have to be allowed to find their place, we can't force it upon them.

Is it too late for us to stop the knee jerk reaction of placing labels like 'the greatest ever' or 'best of all time' and simply enjoy sports again? ESPN has done a magnificently sneaky job in manipulating our minds to be more concerned with Top 10 lists than with enjoying the special plays, games, and seasons for what they are. The next time you're watching a game and you see a one-in-a-million play close your eyes and smile, because you've just witnessed something special. Don't reflexively run to your computer to email Mike & Mike or Jason Smith.

If, when you do open your eyes, the urge to contact the ESPNation is still there, go kiss your wife, hug your kids, call an old friend to say hi, or scratch your dog behind the ears. Those are truly significant events that often go uncelebrated and tremendously unappreciated-the kind of things that you'll be remembering years after your list of the 'Ten Best Ground Rule Doubles of All Time' has long since slipped from your memory.

Let's try to limit our discussions of 'Legacies' to St. Louis Blues goalies, shall we?

The Eyes Have It

2008-07-16T21:34:00.002-06:00

Back when I was sixteen I took a stick across the face. Most of the cranial damage was done around the left eye, visual damage to the right. Not so much an accident, but yet still accidental contact. A teammate took a shot at leveling a guy on the other team and caught me flush instead. It didn't drop me, but help was needed to guide me off. There was blood everywhere.

When I got to the hospital I was pretty well wound and bound up. I don't know for sure really how many days I was in darkness because they all ran together. Massive swelling had to subside so basically we all made due. Powerless doesn't quite cover the feeling, but for the most part help wasn't far away if I could grope around patiently enough to find the buzzer to the nurse's station.

When the initial prognosis came it was believed the bones around the left eye would heal, but there were questions about the vision in both eyes. The prediction was that enough damage was done that I'd soon need glasses. I first got them right after I turned 17. As the years rolled by the prescriptions got more frequent and the lenses thicker.

Its been five years ago since things really took an unusual turn. I contracted a virus/infection that still has some of the best eye doctors in the region baffled. Its brutal to hear 'we've tested and tried everything and we just don't know'. I can still remember the song that was playing on Muzak when the doctor was telling me my sight would be leaving me. Al Stewart-Time Passages. The lyric 'you reach out your hand but you're all alone' flashed me back to the hospital years and years before. Funny how timing works out that way eh? I drove around for hours listening to that song over and over and pondering the variables to come.

All the tests, eye drops, injections, even steroids of all things, have made no difference other than slowing down the loss of vision a little. Its odd how I can almost feel the virus working inside my right eye, taking away what it will this time and then subsiding to let me adjust once again. The drops and medicines ease the discomfort some, but only do so much. Its a continuing struggle that has changed life in every sense. I've had to switch careers twice, and the ongoing tests and ensuing payments have pretty well crushed me financially. Those are minor issues though. Saving what could be saved of my sight seemed worth it. If I'd known it was a lesson in futility maybe I'd have done things differently. Water under the bridge now.

The only places I've ever really felt completely comfortable, at home, have been on the ice, the field, the court. I was pretty slow for footspeed, but I was one of the best at not only reading the play, but the player. Seeing, and seeing inside, knowing what he was going to do just by the look in his eyes. It was all so easy, so apparent. I was in my element. If only things were so simple in the outside world. I often wonder what life will hold down the road. How will I see people and read people when I can't see people to read people anymore?

Whatever comes it'll be my bear to cross. Fear has long since left me. Spending a few days in complete darkness years ago will do that maybe. Hello Darkness my old Friend. The last couple months have been a particularly rough struggle as I feel it starting to work on me again. No pity, no sympathy, no any-of-that-stuff is wanted here. The old saying 'It is what it is' comes to mind. I've likely been pretty difficult to tolerate lately so to my friends I say thank you for being patient. Its appreciated more than any of you can know.

Time Passages-Al Stewart

It was late in December
The sky turned to snow
All round the day was going down slow
Night like a river beginning to flow
I felt the beat of my mind
Go drifting into time passages
Years go falling in the fading light
Time passages
Buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight

Well, I'm not the kind to live in the past
The years run too short and the days too fast
The things you lean on
Are the things that don't last
Well, it's just now
And then my line gets cast into these
Time passages
There's something back here that you left behind
Oh, time passages
Buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight

Hear the echoes and feel yourself starting to turn
Don't know why you should feel
That there's something to learn
It's just a game that you play

Well, the picture is changing
Now you're part of a crowd
They're laughing at something
And the music's loud
A gal comes towards you
You once used to know
You reach out your hand
But you're all alone
In these time passages
I know you're in there
You're just out of sight
Oh, time passages
Buy me a ticket on the last train home tonight

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5T6huwqw98

Back In The New Ulm Groove

2008-03-31T12:38:00.003-06:00

The ESPN Promotion Dept. has chimed in on the Final Four already. Mike Greenberg proclaimed this year 'greatest of all time' after the four top seeds made it all the way to through their regions. Without any of the feel-good stories of past years it has the potential to be some excellent basketball but kicking up the hype bar already proves the growing perception that ESPN is more of a glorified cheerleading squad than an actual sports news network.

Its now been five years since the Iraq invasion. If it was all about stealing the oil fields when will those reserves finally hit the American market?

Kobe Bryant was hit with his fifteenth technical foul recently. One more and not only is he suspended for a game but he becomes eligible to record a rap CD and be traded to Sacramento. He's having a great season statistically, but I'll believe he's MVP worthy when he starts dating again.

The 2008 Iditarod is over. The race was exciting throughout, with all the teams running hard. Surprise winner Floyd Landis declined the ceremonial bowl of kibble customarily awarded to the champion.

According to various news sources Green Bay had Jaguars third-stringer Quinn Gray in for an initial contract discussion. Its said if a deal can't be worked out with Gray the Packers also have interest in Tim Rattay, Kelly Holcomb, Gus Frerotte, Byron Leftwich, Daunte Culpepper and perhaps even Trent Dilfer. If nothing comes from this visit to the QB recycling center Pack management has also sent out feelers to Jeff George, Neil O'Donnell, Scott Mitchell, Rick Mirer, and out of sheer desperation Dave Krieg.

Depending on how creatively harsh the judge gets with sentencing Tripp Isenhour might learn a meaning of 'pecking orders' that doesn't involve migratory birds.

The good news: the long national recruiting hostage crisis is over as Terrelle Pryor finally signs a letter of intent to play football at Ohio State. The bad news: Pryor gave a verbal commitment to live in the dorms, but also signed a lease to share an off-campus apartment with Brett Favre and Roger Clemens. A new chapter to the saga begins....

Sports News Creation

2008-02-16T11:52:00.005-07:00

12:04 AM-ESPN2 breaks the news that Uno, the beagle who won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show, was seen with his manager speeding away from the scene of a shooting outside a Memphis area strip club.
12:15 AM-ESPN2 continues coverage, with ESPN and ESPN News using split screens.
1:00 AM-ESPN News reports that a warrant has been issued for the arrest of Uno.
1:30 AM-ESPN2 Sal Paolantonio reports that a spokesman for Uno issued a statement denying any involvement in the strip club incident and claims Uno has witnesses who'll corroborate that the beagle was nowhere in the area.
2:00 AM-ESPN News. Michael Kim airs footage of Uno sneaking away from the kennel of a female friend living in a suburb of Memphis. Consideration begins for possible ESPY nominations.
2:45 AM-All ESPN networks jointly air a press conference called by Uno's manager saying Uno has been in touch with animal control officials in Memphis and that 'at this time Uno is not considered a Hounddog of Interest'.
3:30 AM-ESPN News. Linda Cohn interviews an eyewitness to the strip club shooting who identifies one of the parties involved as a litter mate of Uno. Nominated for ESPY-Lightweight Fluff Reporting
4:15 AM-ESPN2. John Anderson reports that the home of Uno was raided by federal law enforcement officials investigating rumors that Uno's home was the base of an illegal bunny fighting ring. Nominated for Artificial Seriousness ESPY.
5:00 AM-ESPN. Steve Levy refers to the budding controversy as 'Doggie Gate'. Nominated for an ESPY-Best Catch Phrase.
5:02 AM-Management sends out memo to all ESPN staff to mention Doggie Gate as much as possible.
5:05 AM-ESPN copyrights and trademarks the phrase 'Doggie Gate' and begins selling beagle merchandise on its website. Nominated for a Shameless Huckstering ESPY.
6:30 AM-ESPN2. Skip Bayless blasts Uno's management team for not keeping the pooch on a tighter leash and rhetorically asks 'who is making the decisions in the Uno camp?'. Nominated for an ESPY-Most Hysterical Opinions category.
7:45 AM-ESPN2. Jay Crawford reveals on Cold Pizza that traces of Doggie Growth Hormone have been found in Uno's kibble. Nominated for a Lightweight Pretty Boy of the Year ESPY.
9:15 AM-ESPN Radio. Colin Cowherd reveals that Uno's first trainer died under mysterious circumstances after being beaten with a pooper scooper during what police officials described as having 'the appearance of an attempted mugging' while taking Uno for a walk in the park. Nominated for an ESPY-Best Use of Half Truths and Innuendo.
10:00 AM-ESPN. Dana Jacobsen unleashes a profanity filled tirade about Uno and recuses herself from any more reporting on 'Doggie Gate' when its revealed she has been passed over for an ESPY nomination during the continuing coverage.
10:30 AM-ESPN2. Rachel Nichols interview of Michael Vick. Vick issues a stern 'no comment' when asked about Doggie Gate. ESPY nomination in Shoddy Journalism category.
11:00 AM-ESPN News. Dana Jacobsen's impromptu press conference where she issues a tearful apology is covered live and earns her an ESPY nomination for Best CYA.
Noon-ESPN2. PETA issues statement condemning the rush to judgment about Uno's guilt. Beginning of protest campaign featuring nude supermodels with strategically placed puppies.
12:30 PM-ESPN News. On The Pulse Andy Katz reports that Uno's grade transcripts at Boston U. may have been doctored as reason Uno turned pro and never suited up for the Terriers. Katz adds that UConn is being investigated about recruiting violations by the Huskies athletic department concerning covering up the fact that the school may have paid for professional escorts for Uno during recruiting visits. Nominated for an ESPY-Naturally Curly Hair category
1:00 PM-ESPN. Live coverage of Congress issuing a subpoena to seize the embattled puppy's medical records includes Senator Kennedy photo op with a visibly agitated Lassie.
1:30 PM-ESPN2 Outside the Lines. Bob Ley interviews former personal trainer/fitness instructor answering only to 'Rex' who claims he personally supplied Uno with performance enhancing supplements. Nominated for ESPY-Unnecessarily Creating Controversy category.
2:00 PM-ESPN. On PTI Tony Kornheiser cleverly quips 'Uno has sure stepped in something this time'. Nominated for a Windbag of the Year ESPY.
2:30 PM-ESPN2 Woody Paige makes dumb joke about doggie style on Around the Horn. Nominated for an ESPY-Please Go Away Lifetime Achievement.
3:00 PM-ESPN News. ESPN expert Roger Cossack breaks down Uno's legal options on The Hot List. Nominated for an ESPY-Emptiest Opinion/Analysis.
3:30 PM-ESPN. Grainy footage of Uno biting a groomer during his rookie year is shown on First Take. Nominated for ESPY-Grassy Knoll category.
4:00 PM-ESPN and ESPN2 special hour long simulcast devoted exclusively to recap of days events concerning Doggie Gate with special analysis from Roger Cossack, Jaysen Stark, Dan LeBetard, Mike Lupica, the Dog Whisperer, Jennifer Love Hewitt, the Horse Whisperer, Dr. Drew Pinsky, Andrew Lesko, Stephen A. Smith with sidekick Raaaasho Nesterovic, and John Clayton. All are nominated for ESPYs except Rasho.
4:30 PM-ESPN News. Kirk Gimenez reports that recently unsealed court records confirm Uno fathered a pomeranian out of wedlock. Nominated for ESPY-Stop with the Phony Sounding Accent category.
5:00 PM-Management decides to carry over continued coverage of Doggie Gate on ESPN2, switching scheduled basketball triple-header featuring dream matchups Mavs-Spurs, Memphis-UCLA, and Pistons-Suns to ESPN 8-The Ocho. Management nominates itself for Executive of the Year ESPY.
6:00 PM-ESPN2 Stuart Scott recaps the first eighteen hours of coverage in hour-long live special. Nominated for an Incoherent Dialogue ESPY.
6:30 PM-ESPN Classic. Sklar brothers host 'Best of Doggie Gate Bloopers and Outtakes' with guests Penn and Teller.
7:00 PM-ESPN Classic Premieres 'Best of Uno Coverage Volume 1.' Nominated for an ESPY-Network Unrepentant Self-Aggrandizement category.
7:30 PM-All ESPN Networks air the highlights of Stuart Scott's recap from earlier in the evening...in High Definiton.
8:30 PM-ESPN News. Live coverage of press conference where a former girlfriend reveals plans to write a tell-all book about her year on the road with Uno.
8:45 PM-ESPN2 Uno's manager issues statement: She's a lying golddigging bi**h.
9:00 PM-ESPN management reveals plan to give the entire network team one big a**ed ESPY because 'our coverage is just dominating too darned many categories'.
9:30 PM-ESPN Classic 5 Reasons You Can't Blame Uno Special Report debuts. Nominated for an ESPY-No One Ever Is To Blame (thank you Howard Jones) category.
10:00 PM-All ESPN Networks air live coverage of press conference where Uno barks his retirement, rather than face the possibility of a Congressional inquisition, sorry investigation, into his personal life. A near riot ensues when one of Uno's Rottweiler bodyguards attacks Jay Mariotti after being scolded for taking a leak on Mariotti's IPOD.
10:45 PM-ESPN A hastily assembled all-star cast of characters including Mitch Albom, J.A. Adande, Steve Phillips, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, Keith Olbermannnnn, Skip Bayless again, Larry Holmes, Priest Holmes, Santonio Holmes, Hannity & Colmes, Mrs. Tom Cruise (gotcha), Jonny Gomes, former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, and the Schwab are brought together to discuss whether the nonstop media circus had anything to do with the surprise retirement of the controversial beagle. No mirrors are allowed on the set to prevent any individual soul searching of their own personal style of coverage-not that anyone at ESPN can really look themselves in the face anyway. No one is nominated for an ESPY. The network finally ran out.
11:30 PM-All ESPN Networks begin airing advertisements for 'Best of Doggie Gate on DVD', a 15 disc collection of interviews and clips, with live narration by James Earl Jones and bonus commentaries from Chris Berman, Dan Patrick, Jason Smith, Mike&Mike, John Kruk, Barry Melrose, Carl Lewis, Dickie V., Lee Corso, Chuck Norris and Christie Brinkley. Also available on the website specially priced for ESPN Nation members. Supplies are limited. Order Now!